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Being used.

Throughout my short amount of 18 years of life, I have been used by various men in various different ways… sex, money, support. I am yet to be in a relationship/friendship that has equal give and take. I love too big and give too much so I have always been subject to disappointment. I know too many men and women that can relate to my experiences of being used, which is sad.

For a long period of time a 20 year old man made me, a vulnerable 14 year old girl, feel special, happy and loved.I was being groomed. It took me a while to realise. I knew what he did to me was wrong but it took a while to come to terms with the fact I wasn’t actually loved or special. Even now, its crazy to me. He was a huge part of my life for 4 years so trying to comprehend what his legitimate intentions were is still difficult, as its still so fresh and I haven’t fully mentally matured yet. I wasn’t the girl he loved, I was his go-to girl for sex at only 15 years old, whilst he was 20. I spoke to him and he admitted everything and apologised for it all, in no way is he forgiven but its so comforting to know that it did happen. I spent a long time trying to figure out if it was real life, if I was actually that girl you read about in a trashy drama magazine. To know it was real and that he knew what he did to me, gives me so much closure.

My ex boyfriend used my family & I for emotional support and ‘having a family’. So basically, he got with me because I was his second option when his first option backfired and he saw the ‘perks’ of being with me, stuff he didn’t have. He didn’t have a family, he didn’t have money, he didn’t have a job and he wasn’t loved. Once he got these things outside my family, he got a job (one my mum got him), had money, his family life was getting better and he was involved with other women, he didn’t need me anymore so he walked away. He took advantage of my family & I’s kind and caring nature when he was at his lowest, and that I will never forgive him for.

It’s so common to be used, I don’t know if I can ever fully trust someone. These are only two different occasions of being used. Everyone needs to have an element of doubt for people’s intentions, you’ll never know if someone truly loves you. I’ve always been wary about saying ‘I love you’ to people, it’s thrown around so much that you can’t be sure when someone means it. It also shows a lot of vulnerability, it shows the person you ‘trust’ that they have the ability to hurt you, if they don’t know they have that ability then they are less likely to do it. I’ve been burned so much by people I ‘loved’, they’ve put me through hell. I will never put myself in that position again, I love myself and my well-being too much for that to happen. Everyone else should feel the same, the only person you can 100% trust is yourself.

In no way am I saying that only men use women because that’s certainly not the case, I was just speaking from my experiences with men, some guys get super funny at me for not mentioning this.

I’m aware that I said I wouldn’t be coming back to blogging but so many people asked me to carry on that I just couldn’t ignore them. Thank you for all the support I’ve received on my blog, its incredible.

Megs x

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What happened.

Lewis Evans; where do I start?

Before he & I were in a relationship, before we even saw each other on a romantic level, he was disgusting. He was rude, arrogant and outright nasty to me. I had a HUGE crush on him and he would lead me on and then drop me when it suited him. He loved the attention and loyalty I gave him but he never returned the favour.

Anyways, we then got into a relationship and it was great at first. Really good. Then I found out he was in a relationship with another girl when we were first together. Red flag. I forgave him.

The relationship progressed and we grew closer and he became a massive part of my family. He lived with us. This is because he had problems with his family at home, he didn’t want to go home to his dad so we let him practically move in with us. We treated him as if he was blood, which was a mistake. The amount my family did for him and gave him was crazy. They took him on massive days out, he spent Christmas with us, New Year’s, my parents literally treated him like a son. It was lovely. My mum even rewrote his CV and got him a well paid job.

But that’s when it started going down hill. He started to expect the stuff we did for him. He was lazy, didn’t help out at home, he could barely get out of bed in the morning for a breakfast I was cooking. I understand wanting a lay in on the weekend, but there’s a level of respect you have. 1pm is not a respectable time to get out of bed for breakfast. He knew he was lazy, he said it like it was a good thing. He was arrogant and just sat playing on his phone 90% of the time, even during conversations. He contributed nothing and expected everything, without any appreciation.

Now onto the subject of Iris; he was helpful at the start. I never expected him to be there for iris in the way he was and I appreciate what he did because he helped me fully recover after a traumatic labour. However as time progressed, he didn’t do anything and expected praise for it. I’m her mother so I do everything for her, I don’t expect anyone to help me but if you don’t help me, don’t expect me to say thank you. When I cooked him dinner, he used to call me to give iris a dummy when he had her and the dummy. YET still expected a “thank you so much for being there for her”. People saw him as an incredible man doing me a favour when he didn’t do me a favour, he added to my stress most of the time. Social media and photos can be deceiving. I will never get a boy involved with Iris again, not until I’ve been with him for a substantial amount of time. Major learning curve.

He never treated me like a girlfriend, never would hold my hand, wrap his arm around me or anything. All he ever did was rip the absolute shit out of me, which is fine to an extent. Calling me fat in front of all my friends is crossing the line. He made my friends uncomfortable, the way he spoke to me and the way he treated me. He used to tell me to go to the gym and start slimming world and ‘better’ myself. When I love me for who I am.

We had our fair share of arguments and ‘break ups’ (which lasted 5 seconds) but everything always sorted itself out in the end. He made me feel like I had mental health issues, he made me feel like I needed to seek help because the way I was acting wasn’t normal. Is it not normal to pull someone up on their shit? But it was never over the top or excessive.

It became a toxic relationship. We never went out because he didn’t want to, we ended up being the old married couple that stayed in all the time.

Since we split, I found out that he had been cheating on me. He continues to deny it but the amount of people that have told me something’s been going on with him & someone else, is too much to ignore. His shift at work ended at 9, and he’d ‘stay for a pint’ and come home to me for 12. None of it ever made sense until someone told me something that made everything add up.

I’m not saying I was an angel. Not in any way. And I’m not say he was the devil, because he wasn’t.

I pulled him out of a difficult situation, I supported him, helped him, I was loyal even when times got tough because I loved him with all my heart. I did what any loving girlfriend would do.

What he did to me was wrong. Towards the end he treated me awfully and because of this I got upset and angry fairly often, understandable right? No. Because of my ‘unreasonable outbursts’ that’s why we split. Not because of his vile behaviour, but because of me getting upset with it.

Lewis Evans was a nice person and a good friend to me. Unfortunately I shouldn’t have made the mistake of taking the friend stage further because we continued being friends, friends that kissed every so often.

This post isn’t to slag him off, it’s to get people to stop messaging me and asking what’s happened.

I’ve been getting at least 10-15 messages a day asking what’s happened because our relationship was so public.

If you have any more questions please keep them to yourself, I don’t want to know anymore. I’ve moved on completely now, I thought it would be worse. It’s been pretty easy, sadly. Considering this was a relationship I gave everything to and it’s ended so disappointingly.

I’ve learnt my lesson, don’t take boys out of the friend zone, don’t let boys get involved with your child too quickly and don’t ever let boys walk over you.

And lastly, don’t go for boys, go for men😂

I loved Lewis, there’s no denying that. I loved him with all my heart, whether that was as a friend or boyfriend, I’m unsure. I’m struggling to figure out if I loved him or his company, if I’m grieving over him or his company. It sounds so horrible but I think I got used to having his company, I fell out of love with him during the relationship. I’m not saying that to be the bitter ex, I’m saying that because after two weeks of being split, I don’t feel a thing. I’m not sad, upset, angry or anything. I was sad a couple days after but that’s it. That makes me think I just loved his company.

If you even have one doubt about a man, trust your gut. That shit is not meant to be.

Lewis won’t be seeing Iris. He has no rights to her and he didn’t play a fatherly role. She has a father. He was my boyfriend that played with her every so often so why should he see her? He walked out my house with all his stuff one day and didn’t give me or her a second thought.

I won’t be bringing my blog back to life. I don’t know if I ever will, maybe one day. I just wanted to address this and I knew this would be the most effective way of doing so.

A quick thanks to all my friends who have stuck by me and got me out of the rut of no self confidence I was in. I appreciate & love you lot so much.

Megs x

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#MeToo

If you’re familiar with my blog then you’ll know the ‘My Story’ section of my blog. If you don’t know this, you should read it to get a better idea of what I’m talking about.

The ‘Me Too’ movement is a movement against sexual harassment and assault. It began to spread virally in October 2017 with the hashtag on social media. The goal was to raise awareness about the amount of victims of sexual assault and harassment. To begin with, it was just in the workplace and now it’s become widespread into all areas of sexual abuse. Tens of thousands of people, including over 100 celebrities used the hashtag when posting their story of sexual assault.

The movement is very close to my heart being a victim of sexual assault/rape. The movement continues to grow every single day, due to the people coming forward about their experiences and the people supporting survivors.

#MeToo helps educate the ignorant people avoiding coming to terms with the fact people actually experience this. I hate to say it, but it’s mostly ignorant men who are like this. Before I get attacked; I am NOT saying men don’t get sexually assaulted or raped because they do, the men that don’t experience this are usually the ones that ignore it. ((((NOT ALL MEN ARE LIKE THIS))))

Currently the sexual education curriculum does not contain sexual assault or harassment. It is not compulsory to teach, it is up to the school to do this. My school did but after it had happened to me, once they were informed the next PSHE lesson was on consent. It’s incredible that they did this but I believe it needs to be compulsory and taught from a younger age so someone like me doesn’t question whether they gave consent or not.

Regardless of where you stand, this is an important topic that NEEDS more attention. We need to talk about men being survivors as much as we do women, we need to talk about child grooming, sex abuse and trauma. #MeToo is a movement for everyone, not just the ‘typical rape victim’.

Feel free to message me if you need someone to chat to, I will be there listening & I will give you advice. I promise you’re not alone.

Megs x

#MeToo

@meganappsx – my Instagram

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I had an abortion. *TRIGGER WARNING*

If you’ve read the ‘My Story’ section of my blog then you’re likely to know what I’m about to speak about.

Abortion. Such a taboo subject, but something that definitely needs to be spoken about more. Abortion is the deliberate termination of a human pregnancy. It’s not the easiest topic to discuss as so many people have controversial views on it, not even mentioning the laws in different countries on abortion. There’s different ways to get a medical abortion, vacuum, operation or pills. Some women have preformed illegal abortions on themselves too.

So I had an abortion. Definitely the hardest decision I have ever made and the worst thing I have ever been through. I was only 15 so making such a big decision at such a young age, no matter what the outcome, would affect me for life, which it certainly has. However, I stand by my decision as it what was best for me at the time. I don’t have to justify myself to anyone, it’s my uterus so it’s my business. I’m here just to raise awareness.

It was a very traumatic experience, I won’t go into detail, but after the termination you have a long period of bleeding (not your cycle). So straight after I had the termination, I went into therapy, which was brutal.

I’m fully aware that people have opinions which go against abortion, some religions, cultures and just an individual’s view. This is called ‘pro-life’ when you don’t particularly care for the mother, what they’ve been through or their medical situation, they believe the baby should be born, even if it could kill the mother or baby. ‘Pro-choice’ means you don’t care what other women do with their body, even if that person couldn’t bring themselves to get an abortion, they still believe women have a right to control their own body.

There’s one thing I’d like to address quickly. People say abortion is ‘murder’. Murder is the unlawful killing of a reasonable creature in being (legal definition) 1- You are not killing as an abortion isn’t unlawful 2- A foetus isn’t a reasonable creature in being, it becomes a human after its first breath.

ABORTION IS NOT MURDER.

So many women have abortions, Chelsea Handler, Sharon Osborne and Whoopi Goldberg have all spoken out about their abortions. Marilyn Monroe supposedly had 12 abortions before the age of 29 and another 15 days before she died.

If you don’t have a uterus, your opinion does not matter as you will not be the one to experience the trauma that comes with an abortion. If you are a man, you do not have the right to push a woman into an abortion, it is her body, it is her decision, whether it’s your child or not.

If you have any questions on this topic, feel free to ask me on Instagram, I’ll be posting a question story for those who do. It’ll remain anonymous. I’m more than happy to answer questions on the abortion I had or abortions as a whole.

@meganappsx – My Instagram

Megs Xx

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The Failure of the Justice System

If you know me then you’ll know ‘My Story’ and what I experienced when I was 15. So this relates to me as well as millions of other people. Let’s begin.

Did you know that 98% of accused sexual predators walk away free after trial…crazy, right? But why is this? There are many reasons… well not really, there’s one. They get found ‘not guilty’ by a jury of 12 people. If you aren’t fully aware of how it works, its ‘innocent until proven guilty’. So obviously there wasn’t enough evidence to prosecute or, on many occasions, the victim is blamed. This can usually be based on what clothes they wore at the time, the relationship with the defendant, alcohol consumption and sometimes even the victim’s sexuality. Don’t get me wrong, there are cases where the ‘victim’ makes it up but surely, every single case of that 98% can’t be a lie.

This brings me on to my main point. Rape Crisis centres experienced an increase in genuine calls from 2016 to 2017 but police reports had a decrease in 14%. Why aren’t people reporting what happened to them? There are two main reasons for this:

1. The victim was sexually assaulted or raped by a partner or relative and are protecting them.

2. They are scared that they will be called a liar by 12 people in a jury. Not just that, they are ‘hung out to dry’ in a court full of people.

I can massively relate to point 2, unfortunately. The system makes victims afraid to speak out and take their abuser to court and even if they did try, there’s a very slim chance that the defendant will get prosecuted. So what’s the point in even trying when we’re bound to fail anyways? That is what’s wrong with the justice system. The fact that people are scared to do the right thing. In a survey, it was recorded that 5 out of 6 victims do not go to the police. The exact reasons being, the fear of a lengthy investigation and giving evidence in court. Victims are supposed to feel safe and comfortable during this.

Another reason for failing to go to police is; the fear of the victims private life being spoken about openly. For example, there was a case that the victim decided not to go ahead with because she didn’t want to discuss her previous abortion in front of the public. This happened again in another case but for a woman not wanting to discuss her anorexia. Both of these things were not relevant to the sexual abuse yet were still going to be spoken about. Why should the victim’s separate private life be involved in a case which is about something completely different? Past issues or mistakes shouldn’t be considered in a case happening in the present. It makes no sense to me. The defendant and the situation should be investigated, not the victims past.

Another thing, is that the public are allowed in the court room, even if they have no relation to anyone in the trial. For some cases, I personally think it’s absolutely fine however, I think rape trials are very different. Although personal information is shared throughout a trial, rape and abuse is a very sensitive subject. (Along with others but I’m just using this as an example.) It can be very degrading and you can feel violated just speaking about the experience or even hearing people speak about it. I know I certainly wouldn’t want random members of the public knowing the ins and outs of my life, even irrelevant situations.

‘Consent; permission for something to happen or agreement to do something.‘ Consent is given in multiple ways; body language and speech. In some cases, (the majority of them) the jury is not aware of ‘consent’. If the victim does not speak and does not partake in the sexual act then no consent was given. If the victim says yes or shows interest in having sex then consent was given. It’s confusing why some people fail to understand this. In a case that I have followed, the defendant said that the woman did not say no but was just laying there, not resisting and not acting interested. By saying this, the man told the court he had raped her yet was found not guilty as she didn’t say ‘no’. The jury failed this woman, as they do for many others.

The cold, hard truth is that very few sexual predators end up in court. Unless something is done, this will only continue to get worse.

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2018.

It’s been an eventful year.. there’s been huge downs and major ups. It’s been one big rollercoaster.

In March, I unexpectedly lost my Nana Carol. We still aren’t 100% sure why she passed, but it’s to do with her breathing problems. This was an awful time, especially for my dad. Then to make it even worse, we lost our dog between Nana’s death and her funeral, in April. Kimi was a massive part of our family, she was dads best friend. She even went to work with him every day.

Anyone that knew me at the time knew that my daughter was due to be born on the 4th of April 2018. She ended up being born on the 7th, 3 days after she was due and 2 days after my Nana’s funeral. So this was a hugely emotional time, especially for my dad. He said it was ‘life for a life’, which I think is beautiful!

Then in May we got a new dog. We weren’t trying to replace Kimi, it was because dad got really lonely. Weirdly, Aryton was born on the 9th of March, the day my Nana died. My dad says that they ‘passed at the rainbow bridge’. If you don’t know what that is, look it up. On the 24th of May, Lewis & I FINALLY made our relationship official. He’s truly amazing and I couldn’t ask for a better boyfriend. I am completely smitten.

Not too much happened in the summer. We went to the imperial war museum in London and saw ships at Portsmouth. I started my blog. I passed my maths GCSE and enrolled on three A levels, Law, Sociology and History. I then started college in September and Iris started nursery too. College has been really good, I absolutely love my A levels… heading for that law degree!

December 24th (yes, Christmas Eve) I finally hit 18! I went on my first night out then got a tattoo in the morning.. of course, the tattoo is of a couple of iris flowers on my wrist. Then it was Iris’ first Christmas where both of us got absolutely spoilt.

That’s basically my year in a nutshell. It’s been a highly emotive one but its safe to say that I’ve learned a lot of things this year, but that’s for another post!

Megs x

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Mental Health Awareness Day

Hey everyone,

Sorry I’ve been inactive recently. I’ve got SO much going on. I’m currently doing my A Levels, focusing on earning money through selling beauty products on social media and my daughter is becoming a fussy bum.

Today, 10th of October 2018, it’s mental health awareness day. I’m not going to go into the issues I’ve had with regards to my mental health because today isn’t about my issues, its about mental health as a whole. My blog has always been about raising awareness to issues we go through. This includes the impact it has on our mental health. It is so important that everyone is aware of it. Everybody has a mental health state, good or bad. 1 in 6 people report about a mental health problem in their lifetime. This is ranging from depression to PTSD to even anger issues. It is really common for someone to experience a problem with their mental health. Our mental state can be altered but a PMA must be had, regardless of state. PMA is ‘Positive Mental Attitude’ so basically, knowing you can get through anything means you will get through anything.

There is around 16 reported suicides per day in the UK. This is a crazy statistic, but also a very accurate one. This predominately stems from mental health issues. This statistic can be lowered by more awareness. Awareness is usually raised in educational settings and on social media, thus being the reason why I have a blog and not a notice board.

I will continue being more active from now on. My next few posts will be random personal stories throughout my life that have had an impact on me.

Megan x