I just wanted to show you all something I wrote a couple of months ago. I never posted it because it was while I was in my bad spot. I’ve had a think about it and realised it was so important you all read this. This is the emotion, the pain of having your heart broken, in the worst way possible, by your ‘best friend’. I recorded myself talking and typed out exactly what I said, almost word for word.
Im a strong girl but no matter how strong you are, these moments will happen. You will never truly get over what happened to you, it’s about learning to cope with it.
“It’s been 3 years since it happened. I’ve got a beautiful baby girl and I’m becoming successful within my education but this is still in my head, I can’t seem to get rid of it. Tonight I find myself struggling, struggling to sleep, struggling to shut off my thoughts, struggling to stop these horrible feelings. I’ve been doing better recently. I’ve only been struggling to sleep these past few months. Partly because I can’t turn off and partly because I’m scared to sleep with the awful nightmares that I’ve been having. I made a mistake and spoke to him recently. I thought that because he was the one who broke me, he could help me fix myself. Unfortunately it didn’t work like that. It reminded me of who he is and what he’s like. He again tried to manipulate me, even in the one conversation we had. ‘Try not to fall for me’ he also kept trying to get me to remember ‘old times’ by bringing up memories. To him they were good memories, to me they were horrific. He was a predator and I was his victim but I guess he never saw it that way. Why should I let this continue to haunt me? Why should I allow him to get into my head and impact my daily routine? He’s a sick individual that tore my world in half, why should I give him the satisfaction of knowing that he’s still in my head three years later. I won’t let him do this to me anymore. I blocked out the anger I have towards him and tried to forgive him but I can’t do that. “
(After talking about the context I got emotional and began to cry) “He didn’t just rape me, he punched a hole through my chest and pulled out what was left of my soul. He loved me. He cared about me. He would never have hurt me. But he fucking did. He took a part of me that will never come back, my innocence, my trust, my body. He took it all. But he fucking loved me. I can’t breathe, he loved me. He loved me. He loved my long hair. He loved my glasses, my eyes. He loved when I sang but hated my music taste. Why did he do this to me? He was my future.”
Towards the end you can see how the sweet nothings he told me, the manipulation, comes crawling back. All of that time and effort he put into getting sex from an underage school girl. I get myself into this state when I listen to songs which reminds me of everything. I can’t listen to Misadventures by Pierce the Veil for this exact reason. The album came out when everything was going on, so I can’t listen to it without thinking about him. I can’t go to certain areas of the county I live in, where the assault happened. One certain aftershave he wore, I can’t stand to smell. I can’t eat walkers crisps because every time he came to mine, he would bring them. All of these tiny, silly things end up being the big things; the massive things. You’ll be okay, I promise.
Remember that the person that did this to you is broken, not you.
I love you. Megs x