My Story

My Story: College year 1

You know the drill…. ALL names have been changed for data protection reasons unless the person has agreed to have their name used.

So secondary school was eventful to say the least. College is so much less drama, I promise. After year 11, a week after my prom I got I was pregnant with Iris… wait, I said less drama, maybe not. I started college at two months pregnant, I enrolled on Level 2 Children and Young Peoples Workforce (childcare) and I retook my maths GCSE. It certainly wasn’t what I wanted to do but I didn’t want to enrol on A-levels only to fail them because of the time I’d have to take off. As you probably know, the pregnancy was brutal. I had to take so much time off due to being in hospital and the constant sickness, so doing childcare was a smart move.

During the course I made a few friends but it wasn’t anything major, just a few people to get me through the year without being alone, I guess. I’m in contact with only one of them still, Kay. She’s amazing. Definitely one of those friends you can not see for months and everything still be the same when you next see them. She stuck by me when I was going through the pregnancy and even after, literally one of the only friends who made an effort with me after I had Iris.

I had Iris in the April of 2018 so I was about to sit my maths GCSE. I knew for a fact I would not pass, absolutely no chance with the amount of time I had off. On top of the time I had off I went into the exam with a virus, an allergic reaction to penicillin, sleep deprivation and I had just given birth. So in the summer before I got my results back I did my placement days at a nursery hoping I’d be able to pass childcare in the allotted time frame but I had absolutely no hope, unlike my teachers.

I got my results back in the August. I went in with Iris in the pram and Lewis by my side, ready to cry over the fact I had failed. I saw my maths teacher, no expression on her face and I thought ‘fuck’. I looked at the sheet and felt a huge smack on my back, my maths teacher was beaming with happiness, I had passed. Passing isn’t a big achievement, not by any means, but all the shit I had gone through, this meant I could finally do my a levels. I had mentally prepared myself for not being able to do a levels and I had planned to continue with childcare or look into hair & beauty so this came as a massive shock.

All in one year I had a baby, passed childcare, passed maths and enrolled on law, sociology and history a level. To me, the year of 2018 was the year of Megan. After all the shit I had been through this was an amazing achievement to me. I was finally on track to doing what I wanted to since the beginning, the things I had ruled out because I had a baby and I wasn’t smart enough to do, I was finally doing.

I’ve had so many questions about this and I was planning to keep it on the down low but clearly everyone needs to know. The police had an informal conversation with ‘Martin’ and told him that I had paused the case but I was likely to continue it in the near future. They wanted to get as much detail as possible off of him and he admitted to everything. He lives far away from me now so I won’t be seeing him any time soon luckily. Next time I’ll see him will be in a court room.

Megs x

blog, My Story

Aftermath

I just wanted to show you all something I wrote a couple of months ago. I never posted it because it was while I was in my bad spot. I’ve had a think about it and realised it was so important you all read this. This is the emotion, the pain of having your heart broken, in the worst way possible, by your ‘best friend’. I recorded myself talking and typed out exactly what I said, almost word for word.

Im a strong girl but no matter how strong you are, these moments will happen. You will never truly get over what happened to you, it’s about learning to cope with it.

“It’s been 3 years since it happened. I’ve got a beautiful baby girl and I’m becoming successful within my education but this is still in my head, I can’t seem to get rid of it. Tonight I find myself struggling, struggling to sleep, struggling to shut off my thoughts, struggling to stop these horrible feelings. I’ve been doing better recently. I’ve only been struggling to sleep these past few months. Partly because I can’t turn off and partly because I’m scared to sleep with the awful nightmares that I’ve been having. I made a mistake and spoke to him recently. I thought that because he was the one who broke me, he could help me fix myself. Unfortunately it didn’t work like that. It reminded me of who he is and what he’s like. He again tried to manipulate me, even in the one conversation we had. ‘Try not to fall for me’ he also kept trying to get me to remember ‘old times’ by bringing up memories. To him they were good memories, to me they were horrific. He was a predator and I was his victim but I guess he never saw it that way. Why should I let this continue to haunt me? Why should I allow him to get into my head and impact my daily routine? He’s a sick individual that tore my world in half, why should I give him the satisfaction of knowing that he’s still in my head three years later. I won’t let him do this to me anymore. I blocked out the anger I have towards him and tried to forgive him but I can’t do that. “

(After talking about the context I got emotional and began to cry) “He didn’t just rape me, he punched a hole through my chest and pulled out what was left of my soul. He loved me. He cared about me. He would never have hurt me. But he fucking did. He took a part of me that will never come back, my innocence, my trust, my body. He took it all. But he fucking loved me. I can’t breathe, he loved me. He loved me. He loved my long hair. He loved my glasses, my eyes. He loved when I sang but hated my music taste. Why did he do this to me? He was my future.”

Towards the end you can see how the sweet nothings he told me, the manipulation, comes crawling back. All of that time and effort he put into getting sex from an underage school girl. I get myself into this state when I listen to songs which reminds me of everything. I can’t listen to Misadventures by Pierce the Veil for this exact reason. The album came out when everything was going on, so I can’t listen to it without thinking about him. I can’t go to certain areas of the county I live in, where the assault happened. One certain aftershave he wore, I can’t stand to smell. I can’t eat walkers crisps because every time he came to mine, he would bring them. All of these tiny, silly things end up being the big things; the massive things. You’ll be okay, I promise.

Remember that the person that did this to you is broken, not you.

I love you. Megs x

My Story

My Story: The End.

This post will just explain where I am now and how I’ve grown from the situations I’ve been in.

So now, I am 17. I have a gorgeous 4 month old girl, named Iris. I’ve just finished Childcare Level 2, doing Level 3 next year and will be doing a degree equivalent in a few years. I have the most incredible boyfriend who I can’t fault at all. He is kind, genuine and he couldn’t treat me any better.

I was also in a very toxic relationship for a year with Iris’ dad. I won’t give details but we both agreed how negative our relationship became but if it never happened, I wouldn’t have Iris or Lewis.

With regards to ‘My Story’, I’m in the best place I’ve been in since it happened. I still get moments where it really hurts but I also get moments where I see the positive changes it’s made. I’ve become more mature, more positive but also more aware. I’m less easy to trust people and in a society like this, shouldn’t we all be cautious with who we trust?

I’d like to thank everyone for reading my blog and I really appreciate all the kind words and lovely messages!

Now my story is over I’m going to continue posting but my posts will be about the pregnancy, the birth, my future, advice and anything else anyone requests. Keep an eye out on my insta as I’ll be posting to ask what you want to read!

Thank you all,

Megan x

My Story

My Story: Year 11 (Part 3)

Please do not read if you are inconsiderate, judgemental or if this has the possibility of triggering you.

Please remember all names have been changed for data protection reasons. This post will mostly be about police and what’s happening with that.

So after I did a statement I got a call a few days later. They had put in place a support worker and an intense therapy course. I did this for a few months. During this conversation the officer told me I needed to figure out whether I was to continue now or pause the case and reopen it when I’m ready. I decided to pause the case as I was trying to keep myself together and I definitely wasn’t ready to potentially be called a liar. I was so scared the court wouldn’t believe me, this is a massive problem for women and men who have experienced something similar. That’s part of the reason why people don’t speak out about what’s happened to them, in fear we’d be called a liar.

Even now that still does scare me however, it’s been two years and I feel ready to take it to court. Although it’ll be a difficult case to win, with no biological evidence, I do have messages, I call him a rapist and he didn’t deny it. I also have all the messages proving the statutory rape, so the least he’d get is put on the sex offenders register.

The case will be reopened soon.

Megan x

My Story

My Story: Year 11 (Part 2)

Please do not read if you are inconsiderate, judgemental or if this has the possibility of triggering you.

Please remember all names have been changed for data protection reasons.

A quick recap:

So in part 1 I explained how I told my parents about what had happened. I decided to carry on going to school as I didn’t want any questions about where I was or anything.

That night me and mum had the discussion she took me to speak to a mental health nurse. While we were there I received a call from a number and I recognised the last 3 numbers. It was him. I didn’t answer and I told mum. A bit later on I got a text saying “I really need you Megan. I have no one else to turn to.” When we got home I spoke to my parents and replied saying that police and parents were aware of what happened. He then said “I need someone to listen.” So I blocked him.

I went into school on the Monday of the next week. Things continued as usual.

I invited my friend Darcy over one day during the week. I told her what had happened and I told her to not tell a soul as it was going through police and I didn’t want the embarrassment. So she decided to go into school, tell everyone, write it on toilet walls and her & two others used to follow me round the school prompting me to kill myself as I’m a ‘murderer’. This got way too far and became harassment.

The school never did anything. I told them everything that happened, bare in mind it’s exams soon. The things they did and threats they made were disgusting and distracting me from my study. Mum ended up putting me on study leave because the school refused to put them in isolation or exclude them. I was due to get A’s, B’s and an A* in one subject. I got mostly D’s. So because of the harassment I received at school it messed up my results so I was unable to do my A-Levels. I’ve retaken maths so hopefully I can do them next year.

Through all of this happening I had three friends who ended up turning their backs on me when I got another friend. (Well I assume. They randomly starting ignoring me one day and I still don’t know why) This other friend, I’m still friends with now. We can call her Natasha. She was my rock through that school. Without her I don’t think I would have gotten as far as I did. I thought & still think the absolute world of her. She is the most genuine, lovely girl I’ve ever met. So that was the only plus side to school, I met her.

Megan x

My Story

My Story: Year 11 (Part 1)

Please do not read if you are inconsiderate, judgemental or if this has the possibility of triggering you.

Please remember all names have been changed for data protection reasons.

A quick recap:

In year 10 I explained what had happened with regards to Martin. He came over and we had sex with me, without consent.

Now it’s year 11, in November. I didn’t tell anyone what had happened to me, not even my closest friends. To be honest, I hadn’t even realised it happened. I tried to justify it. “We had sex before so he was allowed to have sex with me.” But it was weird that we never spoke after it happened and it had been months. He knew exactly what he did so he avoided me.

I’m a Police Cadet for the area I live in and we had an annual parade to go to. All cadets around the area meet at headquarters, awards are given and we all march. Afterwards we had a disco in HQ. During this I was speaking to my friend Ava and told her about Martin and the situation I was in a few months prior. She told me that it was rape, whether we had sex before or not, it was rape. This completely broke me. I felt dirty, violated and used. I already felt like this before I spoke to her. My body knew what had happened to me but my head didn’t. This is very common for survivors who were raped by their ‘friend’.

I broke down during this disco and told the leaders about it. The cadet leaders are police officers so this was technically me reporting it when I thought it was just talking to an adult. They told me they had to make my parents aware as I was a minor still.

A week or so had past and my parents were still not told. I needed to talk to my mum about it so badly as she was my best friend and talking to her takes the weight off my shoulders. But I really didn’t know how to say it. So I messaged my auntie and told her start to finish everything, that I lied about his age and I told her what he did afterwards. She was in complete shock. She spoke to my mum the next morning while I was at school.

I was in chemistry and one of the pastoral officers came up and asked me to come to the office. He said “I think you know why I’ve pulled you out.” We walked into the office and, I swear, this sight will never leave my memory, my mum crying her eyes out and my dad bright red with anger. I explained, start to finish, what happened and who Martin was. My mum couldn’t stop hugging me and apologising. My dad just sat there. Didn’t say a word for a while. My mum went into a side room to call her work to say she wouldn’t be in for a while, understandably. We got into the car and went straight to a clinic, everything was okay. I also told mum that the police cadet leaders knew too. Mum and dad were fuming that they hadn’t told them.

That night we called the police and asked to do a statement. They told us that it’d have to be in a couple of days so they couldn’t come to us. Instead, we went to them. We drove to the station and I made a statement. Mum and dad were fuming that the leader hadn’t contacted them about it, they kicked off.

We went home and discussed whether I’d go to school soon or not. I took a few days off to stay at home with mum but I went back shortly after. I didn’t want people thinking anything was up.

Megan x

My Story

My Story: Year 10 (Part 4) *TRIGGER WARNING*

MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING.

Please do not read if you are inconsiderate, judgemental or if this has the possibility of triggering you.

Please remember all names have been changed for data protection reasons.

A quick recap:

Its been a couple weeks since I found out I was pregnant and I went through with the termination. At this point in time, I’m off school while having a long, heavy period. Martin told me he was on his way over with films and food.

Martin arrived with Tesco bags full of food and loads of films. He came in and we watched films and ate the food. I can honestly say, he was extra lovely that day. Really sweet and very apologetic about shouting at me previously.

I was only wearing comfy clothes because of this period. (You’re not supposed to wear tampons after having a termination as everything’s really delicate) So I was wearing leggings and a comfy top.

I didn’t have an iPhone, I had a HTC but I had an iPad and I was on it 24/7. I was playing on it and it was running out of charge so I went upstairs to get the charger. Martin had followed me up and closed the door. He kissed me and said “let’s have sex”. I laughed it off and said no, I was in pain with the severe period cramps and I was obviously bleeding. He asked again and I said no and started to walk out. He grabbed my wrist, pulled me towards the bed and pushed me on it. I told him no again. He started to pull my leggings down and I tried to shove him off me; I guess that’s pretty difficult against a 6ft+, well built, male. I screamed for him to get off me. He then pushed the bottom of his hand down onto my shoulder and began to have sex with me, after I said no multiple times. After he was done, he sat up and said “I need to clean myself up”. Those words will haunt me for life. Without another word, he left.

Megan x