blog

Consent

Consent is a tricky subject to speak about, because there’s so many different branches of consent that it gets confusing. It’s a very important topic & it helps people realise what’s actually happened to them. It also helps people understand if someone else has given consent or not. Types of consent include implied consent, expressed consent, informed consent and unanimous consent.

What does not constitute as consent?

> Silence – silence is not consent. If they’re silent & actively showing interest in sex, then that is consent. If they are silent & showing no interest, then that is not consent.

> Unconsciousness – being unconscious is not consent. Most rape or attacks happen when someone is black out drunk or asleep at parties. If someone gives consent before they fall asleep or falls unconscious& someone continues the sexual encounter whilst they’re not awake, that IS NOT consent.

> Underage – if someone is under the age of 16, they can’t give consent to someone over the age of 16. In some cases, it is illegal. For example, if a girl is 13 and the boy is 17, that is statutory rape, if the girl was 17 & boy was 13, that is sexual assault. However, if both people are under 16, although ‘consent can’t be given’, it’s not illegal.

> Saying no – if someone says ‘no’. There is no ifs or buts. Consent IS NOT given.

If you’re not sure whether you gave consent or not, I’m just a message away & more than happy to help. I’ve had a few people come forward and talk to me about their experience & I’ve pointed them in the right direction.

Theres a video which I think is very important and explains consent perfectly. It’s called ‘Tea consent’ on YouTube, so if this was too complicated, go watch that. It’s a brilliant video.

blog

A letter to the man that hurt me.

It’s been almost 4 years since you did what you did; it’ll be 4 years in June. You really impacted my life – what you did to me, I’ll have to live with till the day I pass. Whereas to you, I was nothing, just another girl. When you attacked me I felt dirty, disgusting, used, worthless. I felt like I was nobody, I felt like you owned me. Although it’s been 4 years now, that feeling of manipulation still comes and goes with men I get involved with. You took my soul from me, who I was. I went from a fun, loving 15 year old to a broken, traumatised 15 year old, who took 4 showers a day to try to wash the dirty feeling off. It’s crazy to think that your few minutes of pleasure has caused me a lifetime of difficulty.

In 2016, I hated who I was. I was depressed, anxious, argumentative, hateful and I isolated myself from everyone. I was just a huge mess. It’s been 4 years. 4 years of growth, 4 years of improvement and 4 years of self care. I have changed so much. I am a happy, positive and friendly person. I see the best in people & I love with my whole heart. It says a lot, when I say my favourite colour in 2016 was black and now, in 2020, it’s yellow. Some would say that it’s just a change in preference but I would say its a change in who I am. I can honestly say, that I love myself & who I am, which is a big deal for me. If I can’t love myself, how can I love someone else? Granted, it took me 4 years to get to this point, but I’m still here, I’m still alive.

I would wish something just as awful happens to you but I couldn’t, I’m not that kind of girl anymore. I don’t wish you the best, I wish you a lifetime of regret.

blog

cPTSD

Everyone knows what PTSD is, it’s an anxiety disorder caused by a traumatic event… but cPTSD is slightly different. Its full name is complex post-traumatic stress disorder. – It’s the same as PTSD but the event was prolonged/it was a series of events. So for me, it’s everything, the abortion, the rape, the statutory rape, the emotional manipulation. It includes most symptoms of PTSD and some more. Everyone’s PTSD/cPTSD is different. We all experience different things for different reasons. We don’t have to be war veterans to get PTSD.

The PTSD symptoms I regularly get are:

Nightmares/Re-experiencing – Sometimes every night, sometimes every other night, I get horrendous night terrors. Each dream is the assault but slightly different, sometimes a different location, different clothes, I’ve even had different people. I’ve been having them for a few months now, they got worse during the summer when I started having sex again.

Avoiding – I tend to avoid people, things and places which remind me of the assault. I try not to going a certain town in my area otherwise it brings on a panic attack. Hearing certain names makes me panic too. It never used to be like this, its gotten much worse recently.

Hyper vigilance – Which means I struggle to relax. So (for me) that leads to awful insomnia, and a short temper (which is under control now) And whenever I go out in public I’m constantly watching and looking incase something happens, I’m always on high alert.

I hope this has helped you understand exactly what cPTSD is and what I go through on a daily basis, considering I’m always getting asked. But life is tough dealing with it each day. Treatment started on Tuesday, so I’ll start to feel better soon. I’m taking anti-anxiety sedative medication to help me sleep. The nightmares are still there though. Part of me feels like they’ll always be there, but I still have faith the treatment will help!

Having PTSD or trauma, doesn’t make you mental and it doesn’t make you insane, it makes you human. I’m still more than capable of looking after my little girl – PTSD is just something I need to sort out. My experiences made me who I am & shaped me into this strong & powerful individual. Your trauma does the same for you.❤️

blog

To the first person that really loved me…

I’m sorry I moved on so fast.. that must’ve broken your heart to see me with someone just a month after we split. He was a rebound. You left a huge hole in my life and I tried to find someone to fix that, every boy I’ve been with since has been an attempt to fill that hole. I didn’t want to face up to it and move on properly, I was scared of being alone, so instead I blocked you out of my head when I should’ve dealt with it face on. I’ve finally realised it now. I said the entire time that I was over you, when I really wasn’t. So now is the time I deal with it and move on.

I miss you, I don’t miss just the company. I miss the way we were best friends, I miss seeing your lovely smile every morning, I miss singing really loudly to Drake songs in the car, I miss when you’d make me laugh during every argument, I miss how you’d squeeze my leg every time I panicked and I miss how you’d kiss my forehead when you thought I was asleep. I miss it all so much.

How did we ruin it? How did I ruin it? I was struggling to figure out what was wrong with my head, my, now diagnosed and controlled, cPTSD and depression. We both had flaws and we both said and did stupid things to each other, but I destroyed one of the best things to ever happen to me. You. I got angry, I yelled, I cried, I caused arguments, I lost my temper quickly, I was an unstable person & you were the only thing that kept me stable. I’m happy to finally say I’m a stable and happy person now, I no longer have a short temper. I have grown so much in the space of a few months, I think our break up was a wake up call.

God I wish I could message you to update you on everything. Iris is 20 months and the size of a 4 year old. She is amazing, she’s the happiest kid ever, constantly laughing, constantly being cheeky. Her personality is the same from when you left, the funny noises you taught her are still there. We did an amazing job together in that first year and I appreciate everything you did for me. It’s hard seeing all the photos of you and her on my snapchat and facebook memories, but I can’t bring myself to delete them. You were an important person to her at one point, and I’ll need to tell her about you when she’s older.

I’m sitting here in tears writing this, triggered by absolutely nothing. You look much happier now, happier than you did when you were with me, but I was happier when I was with you. I wish I didn’t take you for granted like I did. I wish I didn’t manipulate you with the whole ‘lets break up’ thing. when I didn’t think we ever actually would. I’m still in love with you. And I know you won’t read this, because you’ve blocked me on everything, but this helps… it can finally be my moving on point.

I’m sorry I hurt you and I hope someone comes along that loves you like I did… thats the least you deserve.

blog

The Year of Realisation.

Its been a while! Thought it’d be a good time to update everyone and talk about 2019 as a whole… its been an eventful year to say the least, but I come bearing advice, as usual. So this year contained, heartbreak, stress, trauma and realisation, especially realisation. Its been a year of growth for me.

I’ve come to realise not everyone has your back as much as they say they do. Lewis left, which is probably what has had the biggest impact on me this year. I genuinely believed we were in it for life, well I wanted to be. I believed he loved me enough not to walk out like he did. So this event has taught me not to rely on people too heavily, always have your wall up slightly; having it down completely makes you too vulnerable. People need to earn your trust. NEVER go into a relationship or friendship trusting the person fully. This way you wont get hurt as bad if things go down hill. You need to have your own back. Be selfish, its your feelings and your mental health at stake. Don’t break yourself because of someones inability to see your worth.

This year I’ve realised that what happened to me is still with me more than I originally believed. I thought I was pretty much over it. I got into a relationship with someone and after I began having sex again, all the awful dreams came back. The dreams consist of the assault every time but its slightly different in each dream, different location, different clothes and sometimes what he says is different. I spoke to a psychologist and they told me this is because of the uncertainty. Basically, your brain tries to block out a traumatic event to protect itself (cool, right?) and even though I remember exactly what happened, my brain is still uncertain and confused, which is why each dream is slightly different. I’m struggling to get to sleep because my body knows and feels exactly what its about to go through again, and if I do sleep I constantly wake up. So I have officially been given the diagnosis of cPTSD, complex post traumatic stress disorder. I’ll be doing a post explaining exactly what it is soon. I’ve been prescribed anti-anxiety sedative medication to help me sleep and I’ll be starting my therapy treatment in the new year. This is such a relief and I’m so happy I reached out for help, I’m finally sorting my head out. This just goes to show that reaching out to someone helps, even if it is in the slightest. Since I’ve had my diagnosis, although its been hard coming to terms with, its completely changed me, its hard to explain. I’ve got a more positive outlook on life and things are starting to look up if I remain positive. Same goes for you. I know a few of you are struggling, I speak to you regularly. Stay positive, give yourself something to look forward to each day, something to get excited about… even if its getting into bed tonight! It will keep you motivated and positive. Things do get better, I am living proof of that.

If you are stuck in a rut, please message me. I’m always around, I’ll always message you or meet up with you. I know what it feels like to be in your position and I promise that I’ll be here for you to cry to, rant to or even if you need to sit in silence with someone, I am here for that.

Ill start posting regularly after Christmas. It’ll be every Wednesday. My next post will be soon though!

Lots of love, Megs x

Instagram: meganappsx Snapchat: megan.apps

blog

heart break

So you’ve just had your heart broken, or the person you love doesn’t love you back.. please don’t lose yourself. I am victim of this. When I get hurt, no matter how big or small, I go into total meltdown. I feel not good enough, unwanted, psycho, clingy, all of it.

My heart aches. The person I wanted since the day I met him, after almost a month, has decided I’m not for him. That he’s not ready to make something of us. I bunked college, I spent money putting Iris in nursery, I put time and effort into building something with him. For him to imply my good parts didn’t outweigh my bad. How that fucking kills. After many messages, many paragraphs, after a chat and a cuddle, today I managed to say goodbye and block him. Oh fuck how I wish it didn’t come to this, how I wish he had wanted me, how I wish he had try to make it work. But now he’s made it clear, I need to make sure I don’t lose myself because of this. He was just one of the many heartbreaks I’ll have until I meet someone who wants me whole, the good and bad parts. I was enough. He just couldn’t see it. Even now, if he had messaged me trying to sort it, I’d go back. That’s just who I am. I’m a broken, insecure mess. But he doesn’t want or need me, so it’s time I move on. It wasn’t a relationship and it wasn’t for very long, but part of me thinks the period of time doesn’t matter.. it’s what the person makes you feel within that period. He made me feel more in these few weeks, than my ex made me feel in over a year, that’s why this hurts so bad. He made me feel amazing, loved, wanted, beautiful and he will be an amazing boyfriend to someone one day, I just wished that someone would’ve been me, but I’m not the one for him.. even though he was the one for me.

It’s time I stop thinking about him now. It’s time I moved on and thought about myself. If you’re going through a heart break now, I promise it will get easier. It doesn’t feel like it ever will, that horrible feeling you have in your tummy right now, I have that too, but it will go. Time heals. Give yourself some space, some crying time and cut yourself some slack. Heart break does crazy things to people, so what you’re feeling isn’t irrational. I promise as the days pass, you’ll begin to feel better. You are loved, wanted and cherished… by the right person.

Megs x

blog, My Story

Aftermath

I just wanted to show you all something I wrote a couple of months ago. I never posted it because it was while I was in my bad spot. I’ve had a think about it and realised it was so important you all read this. This is the emotion, the pain of having your heart broken, in the worst way possible, by your ‘best friend’. I recorded myself talking and typed out exactly what I said, almost word for word.

Im a strong girl but no matter how strong you are, these moments will happen. You will never truly get over what happened to you, it’s about learning to cope with it.

“It’s been 3 years since it happened. I’ve got a beautiful baby girl and I’m becoming successful within my education but this is still in my head, I can’t seem to get rid of it. Tonight I find myself struggling, struggling to sleep, struggling to shut off my thoughts, struggling to stop these horrible feelings. I’ve been doing better recently. I’ve only been struggling to sleep these past few months. Partly because I can’t turn off and partly because I’m scared to sleep with the awful nightmares that I’ve been having. I made a mistake and spoke to him recently. I thought that because he was the one who broke me, he could help me fix myself. Unfortunately it didn’t work like that. It reminded me of who he is and what he’s like. He again tried to manipulate me, even in the one conversation we had. ‘Try not to fall for me’ he also kept trying to get me to remember ‘old times’ by bringing up memories. To him they were good memories, to me they were horrific. He was a predator and I was his victim but I guess he never saw it that way. Why should I let this continue to haunt me? Why should I allow him to get into my head and impact my daily routine? He’s a sick individual that tore my world in half, why should I give him the satisfaction of knowing that he’s still in my head three years later. I won’t let him do this to me anymore. I blocked out the anger I have towards him and tried to forgive him but I can’t do that. “

(After talking about the context I got emotional and began to cry) “He didn’t just rape me, he punched a hole through my chest and pulled out what was left of my soul. He loved me. He cared about me. He would never have hurt me. But he fucking did. He took a part of me that will never come back, my innocence, my trust, my body. He took it all. But he fucking loved me. I can’t breathe, he loved me. He loved me. He loved my long hair. He loved my glasses, my eyes. He loved when I sang but hated my music taste. Why did he do this to me? He was my future.”

Towards the end you can see how the sweet nothings he told me, the manipulation, comes crawling back. All of that time and effort he put into getting sex from an underage school girl. I get myself into this state when I listen to songs which reminds me of everything. I can’t listen to Misadventures by Pierce the Veil for this exact reason. The album came out when everything was going on, so I can’t listen to it without thinking about him. I can’t go to certain areas of the county I live in, where the assault happened. One certain aftershave he wore, I can’t stand to smell. I can’t eat walkers crisps because every time he came to mine, he would bring them. All of these tiny, silly things end up being the big things; the massive things. You’ll be okay, I promise.

Remember that the person that did this to you is broken, not you.

I love you. Megs x