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cPTSD

Everyone knows what PTSD is, it’s an anxiety disorder caused by a traumatic event… but cPTSD is slightly different. Its full name is complex post-traumatic stress disorder. – It’s the same as PTSD but the event was prolonged/it was a series of events. So for me, it’s everything, the abortion, the rape, the statutory rape, the emotional manipulation. It includes most symptoms of PTSD and some more. Everyone’s PTSD/cPTSD is different. We all experience different things for different reasons. We don’t have to be war veterans to get PTSD.

The PTSD symptoms I regularly get are:

Nightmares/Re-experiencing – Sometimes every night, sometimes every other night, I get horrendous night terrors. Each dream is the assault but slightly different, sometimes a different location, different clothes, I’ve even had different people. I’ve been having them for a few months now, they got worse during the summer when I started having sex again.

Avoiding – I tend to avoid people, things and places which remind me of the assault. I try not to going a certain town in my area otherwise it brings on a panic attack. Hearing certain names makes me panic too. It never used to be like this, its gotten much worse recently.

Hyper vigilance – Which means I struggle to relax. So (for me) that leads to awful insomnia, and a short temper (which is under control now) And whenever I go out in public I’m constantly watching and looking incase something happens, I’m always on high alert.

I hope this has helped you understand exactly what cPTSD is and what I go through on a daily basis, considering I’m always getting asked. But life is tough dealing with it each day. Treatment started on Tuesday, so I’ll start to feel better soon. I’m taking anti-anxiety sedative medication to help me sleep. The nightmares are still there though. Part of me feels like they’ll always be there, but I still have faith the treatment will help!

Having PTSD or trauma, doesn’t make you mental and it doesn’t make you insane, it makes you human. I’m still more than capable of looking after my little girl – PTSD is just something I need to sort out. My experiences made me who I am & shaped me into this strong & powerful individual. Your trauma does the same for you.❤️

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To the first person that really loved me…

I’m sorry I moved on so fast.. that must’ve broken your heart to see me with someone just a month after we split. He was a rebound. You left a huge hole in my life and I tried to find someone to fix that, every boy I’ve been with since has been an attempt to fill that hole. I didn’t want to face up to it and move on properly, I was scared of being alone, so instead I blocked you out of my head when I should’ve dealt with it face on. I’ve finally realised it now. I said the entire time that I was over you, when I really wasn’t. So now is the time I deal with it and move on.

I miss you, I don’t miss just the company. I miss the way we were best friends, I miss seeing your lovely smile every morning, I miss singing really loudly to Drake songs in the car, I miss when you’d make me laugh during every argument, I miss how you’d squeeze my leg every time I panicked and I miss how you’d kiss my forehead when you thought I was asleep. I miss it all so much.

How did we ruin it? How did I ruin it? I was struggling to figure out what was wrong with my head, my, now diagnosed and controlled, cPTSD and depression. We both had flaws and we both said and did stupid things to each other, but I destroyed one of the best things to ever happen to me. You. I got angry, I yelled, I cried, I caused arguments, I lost my temper quickly, I was an unstable person & you were the only thing that kept me stable. I’m happy to finally say I’m a stable and happy person now, I no longer have a short temper. I have grown so much in the space of a few months, I think our break up was a wake up call.

God I wish I could message you to update you on everything. Iris is 20 months and the size of a 4 year old. She is amazing, she’s the happiest kid ever, constantly laughing, constantly being cheeky. Her personality is the same from when you left, the funny noises you taught her are still there. We did an amazing job together in that first year and I appreciate everything you did for me. It’s hard seeing all the photos of you and her on my snapchat and facebook memories, but I can’t bring myself to delete them. You were an important person to her at one point, and I’ll need to tell her about you when she’s older.

I’m sitting here in tears writing this, triggered by absolutely nothing. You look much happier now, happier than you did when you were with me, but I was happier when I was with you. I wish I didn’t take you for granted like I did. I wish I didn’t manipulate you with the whole ‘lets break up’ thing. when I didn’t think we ever actually would. I’m still in love with you. And I know you won’t read this, because you’ve blocked me on everything, but this helps… it can finally be my moving on point.

I’m sorry I hurt you and I hope someone comes along that loves you like I did… thats the least you deserve.

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The Year of Realisation.

Its been a while! Thought it’d be a good time to update everyone and talk about 2019 as a whole… its been an eventful year to say the least, but I come bearing advice, as usual. So this year contained, heartbreak, stress, trauma and realisation, especially realisation. Its been a year of growth for me.

I’ve come to realise not everyone has your back as much as they say they do. Lewis left, which is probably what has had the biggest impact on me this year. I genuinely believed we were in it for life, well I wanted to be. I believed he loved me enough not to walk out like he did. So this event has taught me not to rely on people too heavily, always have your wall up slightly; having it down completely makes you too vulnerable. People need to earn your trust. NEVER go into a relationship or friendship trusting the person fully. This way you wont get hurt as bad if things go down hill. You need to have your own back. Be selfish, its your feelings and your mental health at stake. Don’t break yourself because of someones inability to see your worth.

This year I’ve realised that what happened to me is still with me more than I originally believed. I thought I was pretty much over it. I got into a relationship with someone and after I began having sex again, all the awful dreams came back. The dreams consist of the assault every time but its slightly different in each dream, different location, different clothes and sometimes what he says is different. I spoke to a psychologist and they told me this is because of the uncertainty. Basically, your brain tries to block out a traumatic event to protect itself (cool, right?) and even though I remember exactly what happened, my brain is still uncertain and confused, which is why each dream is slightly different. I’m struggling to get to sleep because my body knows and feels exactly what its about to go through again, and if I do sleep I constantly wake up. So I have officially been given the diagnosis of cPTSD, complex post traumatic stress disorder. I’ll be doing a post explaining exactly what it is soon. I’ve been prescribed anti-anxiety sedative medication to help me sleep and I’ll be starting my therapy treatment in the new year. This is such a relief and I’m so happy I reached out for help, I’m finally sorting my head out. This just goes to show that reaching out to someone helps, even if it is in the slightest. Since I’ve had my diagnosis, although its been hard coming to terms with, its completely changed me, its hard to explain. I’ve got a more positive outlook on life and things are starting to look up if I remain positive. Same goes for you. I know a few of you are struggling, I speak to you regularly. Stay positive, give yourself something to look forward to each day, something to get excited about… even if its getting into bed tonight! It will keep you motivated and positive. Things do get better, I am living proof of that.

If you are stuck in a rut, please message me. I’m always around, I’ll always message you or meet up with you. I know what it feels like to be in your position and I promise that I’ll be here for you to cry to, rant to or even if you need to sit in silence with someone, I am here for that.

Ill start posting regularly after Christmas. It’ll be every Wednesday. My next post will be soon though!

Lots of love, Megs x

Instagram: meganappsx Snapchat: megan.apps

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heart break

So you’ve just had your heart broken, or the person you love doesn’t love you back.. please don’t lose yourself. I am victim of this. When I get hurt, no matter how big or small, I go into total meltdown. I feel not good enough, unwanted, psycho, clingy, all of it.

My heart aches. The person I wanted since the day I met him, after almost a month, has decided I’m not for him. That he’s not ready to make something of us. I bunked college, I spent money putting Iris in nursery, I put time and effort into building something with him. For him to imply my good parts didn’t outweigh my bad. How that fucking kills. After many messages, many paragraphs, after a chat and a cuddle, today I managed to say goodbye and block him. Oh fuck how I wish it didn’t come to this, how I wish he had wanted me, how I wish he had try to make it work. But now he’s made it clear, I need to make sure I don’t lose myself because of this. He was just one of the many heartbreaks I’ll have until I meet someone who wants me whole, the good and bad parts. I was enough. He just couldn’t see it. Even now, if he had messaged me trying to sort it, I’d go back. That’s just who I am. I’m a broken, insecure mess. But he doesn’t want or need me, so it’s time I move on. It wasn’t a relationship and it wasn’t for very long, but part of me thinks the period of time doesn’t matter.. it’s what the person makes you feel within that period. He made me feel more in these few weeks, than my ex made me feel in over a year, that’s why this hurts so bad. He made me feel amazing, loved, wanted, beautiful and he will be an amazing boyfriend to someone one day, I just wished that someone would’ve been me, but I’m not the one for him.. even though he was the one for me.

It’s time I stop thinking about him now. It’s time I moved on and thought about myself. If you’re going through a heart break now, I promise it will get easier. It doesn’t feel like it ever will, that horrible feeling you have in your tummy right now, I have that too, but it will go. Time heals. Give yourself some space, some crying time and cut yourself some slack. Heart break does crazy things to people, so what you’re feeling isn’t irrational. I promise as the days pass, you’ll begin to feel better. You are loved, wanted and cherished… by the right person.

Megs x

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Aftermath

I just wanted to show you all something I wrote a couple of months ago. I never posted it because it was while I was in my bad spot. I’ve had a think about it and realised it was so important you all read this. This is the emotion, the pain of having your heart broken, in the worst way possible, by your ‘best friend’. I recorded myself talking and typed out exactly what I said, almost word for word.

Im a strong girl but no matter how strong you are, these moments will happen. You will never truly get over what happened to you, it’s about learning to cope with it.

“It’s been 3 years since it happened. I’ve got a beautiful baby girl and I’m becoming successful within my education but this is still in my head, I can’t seem to get rid of it. Tonight I find myself struggling, struggling to sleep, struggling to shut off my thoughts, struggling to stop these horrible feelings. I’ve been doing better recently. I’ve only been struggling to sleep these past few months. Partly because I can’t turn off and partly because I’m scared to sleep with the awful nightmares that I’ve been having. I made a mistake and spoke to him recently. I thought that because he was the one who broke me, he could help me fix myself. Unfortunately it didn’t work like that. It reminded me of who he is and what he’s like. He again tried to manipulate me, even in the one conversation we had. ‘Try not to fall for me’ he also kept trying to get me to remember ‘old times’ by bringing up memories. To him they were good memories, to me they were horrific. He was a predator and I was his victim but I guess he never saw it that way. Why should I let this continue to haunt me? Why should I allow him to get into my head and impact my daily routine? He’s a sick individual that tore my world in half, why should I give him the satisfaction of knowing that he’s still in my head three years later. I won’t let him do this to me anymore. I blocked out the anger I have towards him and tried to forgive him but I can’t do that. “

(After talking about the context I got emotional and began to cry) “He didn’t just rape me, he punched a hole through my chest and pulled out what was left of my soul. He loved me. He cared about me. He would never have hurt me. But he fucking did. He took a part of me that will never come back, my innocence, my trust, my body. He took it all. But he fucking loved me. I can’t breathe, he loved me. He loved me. He loved my long hair. He loved my glasses, my eyes. He loved when I sang but hated my music taste. Why did he do this to me? He was my future.”

Towards the end you can see how the sweet nothings he told me, the manipulation, comes crawling back. All of that time and effort he put into getting sex from an underage school girl. I get myself into this state when I listen to songs which reminds me of everything. I can’t listen to Misadventures by Pierce the Veil for this exact reason. The album came out when everything was going on, so I can’t listen to it without thinking about him. I can’t go to certain areas of the county I live in, where the assault happened. One certain aftershave he wore, I can’t stand to smell. I can’t eat walkers crisps because every time he came to mine, he would bring them. All of these tiny, silly things end up being the big things; the massive things. You’ll be okay, I promise.

Remember that the person that did this to you is broken, not you.

I love you. Megs x

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Coping with trauma

Most people have experienced something traumatic, and no matter the scale of the experience it causes a vast amount of trauma. Trauma changes someone, permanently or temporarily, for the best or for the worst. Whatever the experience did to you – you need a coping mechanism… a good one.

Drugs or alcohol is the usual coping mechanism. After my insanely traumatic year; alcohol was definitely my coping mechanism. I went to parties left, right & centre just to drink. I did other stuff which isn’t worth mentioning. Let’s just say I became a very self-destructive person. I then ended up pregnant so I needed out of that hole, quickly. If I hadn’t of become pregnant I definitely would’ve ended up worse, maybe even dead. So when I say Iris saved my life, don’t take that lightly, she really did.

Once I got my shit together and realised my self-destructive tendencies would not help the way my mental state reacted to my trauma, I started figuring out how I could cope with my trauma in a calmer, positive way. I had a therapist through the time I was pregnant but it never really helped. It’s hard talking to someone that can only be professional with you, it’s difficult to be honest about your feelings, it’s difficult to explain how you feel to someone that can’t understand it, hopefully never will. Thats when this blog came into action. I had Iris and decided this is what I needed to do to get it all out my head, I had very successful results. Typing it all out made it feel less like a dream, I felt like I was talking to someone who would understand and I also managed to help people. How could that be anything but successful?

Theres many ways of coping with trauma, and each different experience will probably need a different coping mechanism. Music, therapy, finding a passion in something, blogging your feelings out. Whatever you choose, don’t let it be destructive. Destructive mechanisms will only be a temporary fix and you’ll hurt yourself or others in your path. You need a mechanism that will benefit you in the long run.

Good things come from bad experiences. I hate what happened to me but I can take a positive outcome from it, which is what everyone needs to do, no matter the trauma.

I just want to say, thank you so much for all the positive messages about restarting my blog again. Im going to do a few odd posts, they won’t be regular as of yet. I love that you guys feel comfortable messaging me about your experiences and asking me for help finding the right therapy platform. You know you can message me about anything and I’ll be an ear to listen. Be the person you needed back then.

megs x

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Being used.

Throughout my short amount of 18 years of life, I have been used by various men in various different ways… sex, money, support. I am yet to be in a relationship/friendship that has equal give and take. I love too big and give too much so I have always been subject to disappointment. I know too many men and women that can relate to my experiences of being used, which is sad.

For a long period of time a 20 year old man made me, a vulnerable 14 year old girl, feel special, happy and loved.I was being groomed. It took me a while to realise. I knew what he did to me was wrong but it took a while to come to terms with the fact I wasn’t actually loved or special. Even now, its crazy to me. He was a huge part of my life for 4 years so trying to comprehend what his legitimate intentions were is still difficult, as its still so fresh and I haven’t fully mentally matured yet. I wasn’t the girl he loved, I was his go-to girl for sex at only 15 years old, whilst he was 20. I spoke to him and he admitted everything and apologised for it all, in no way is he forgiven but its so comforting to know that it did happen. I spent a long time trying to figure out if it was real life, if I was actually that girl you read about in a trashy drama magazine. To know it was real and that he knew what he did to me, gives me so much closure.

My ex boyfriend used my family & I for emotional support and ‘having a family’. So basically, he got with me because I was his second option when his first option backfired and he saw the ‘perks’ of being with me, stuff he didn’t have. He didn’t have a family, he didn’t have money, he didn’t have a job and he wasn’t loved. Once he got these things outside my family, he got a job (one my mum got him), had money, his family life was getting better and he was involved with other women, he didn’t need me anymore so he walked away. He took advantage of my family & I’s kind and caring nature when he was at his lowest, and that I will never forgive him for.

It’s so common to be used, I don’t know if I can ever fully trust someone. These are only two different occasions of being used. Everyone needs to have an element of doubt for people’s intentions, you’ll never know if someone truly loves you. I’ve always been wary about saying ‘I love you’ to people, it’s thrown around so much that you can’t be sure when someone means it. It also shows a lot of vulnerability, it shows the person you ‘trust’ that they have the ability to hurt you, if they don’t know they have that ability then they are less likely to do it. I’ve been burned so much by people I ‘loved’, they’ve put me through hell. I will never put myself in that position again, I love myself and my well-being too much for that to happen. Everyone else should feel the same, the only person you can 100% trust is yourself.

In no way am I saying that only men use women because that’s certainly not the case, I was just speaking from my experiences with men, some guys get super funny at me for not mentioning this.

I’m aware that I said I wouldn’t be coming back to blogging but so many people asked me to carry on that I just couldn’t ignore them. Thank you for all the support I’ve received on my blog, its incredible.

Megs x