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Coping with trauma

Most people have experienced something traumatic, and no matter the scale of the experience it causes a vast amount of trauma. Trauma changes someone, permanently or temporarily, for the best or for the worst. Whatever the experience did to you – you need a coping mechanism… a good one.

Drugs or alcohol is the usual coping mechanism. After my insanely traumatic year; alcohol was definitely my coping mechanism. I went to parties left, right & centre just to drink. I did other stuff which isn’t worth mentioning. Let’s just say I became a very self-destructive person. I then ended up pregnant so I needed out of that hole, quickly. If I hadn’t of become pregnant I definitely would’ve ended up worse, maybe even dead. So when I say Iris saved my life, don’t take that lightly, she really did.

Once I got my shit together and realised my self-destructive tendencies would not help the way my mental state reacted to my trauma, I started figuring out how I could cope with my trauma in a calmer, positive way. I had a therapist through the time I was pregnant but it never really helped. It’s hard talking to someone that can only be professional with you, it’s difficult to be honest about your feelings, it’s difficult to explain how you feel to someone that can’t understand it, hopefully never will. Thats when this blog came into action. I had Iris and decided this is what I needed to do to get it all out my head, I had very successful results. Typing it all out made it feel less like a dream, I felt like I was talking to someone who would understand and I also managed to help people. How could that be anything but successful?

Theres many ways of coping with trauma, and each different experience will probably need a different coping mechanism. Music, therapy, finding a passion in something, blogging your feelings out. Whatever you choose, don’t let it be destructive. Destructive mechanisms will only be a temporary fix and you’ll hurt yourself or others in your path. You need a mechanism that will benefit you in the long run.

Good things come from bad experiences. I hate what happened to me but I can take a positive outcome from it, which is what everyone needs to do, no matter the trauma.

I just want to say, thank you so much for all the positive messages about restarting my blog again. Im going to do a few odd posts, they won’t be regular as of yet. I love that you guys feel comfortable messaging me about your experiences and asking me for help finding the right therapy platform. You know you can message me about anything and I’ll be an ear to listen. Be the person you needed back then.

megs x

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Being used.

Throughout my short amount of 18 years of life, I have been used by various men in various different ways… sex, money, support. I am yet to be in a relationship/friendship that has equal give and take. I love too big and give too much so I have always been subject to disappointment. I know too many men and women that can relate to my experiences of being used, which is sad.

For a long period of time a 20 year old man made me, a vulnerable 14 year old girl, feel special, happy and loved.I was being groomed. It took me a while to realise. I knew what he did to me was wrong but it took a while to come to terms with the fact I wasn’t actually loved or special. Even now, its crazy to me. He was a huge part of my life for 4 years so trying to comprehend what his legitimate intentions were is still difficult, as its still so fresh and I haven’t fully mentally matured yet. I wasn’t the girl he loved, I was his go-to girl for sex at only 15 years old, whilst he was 20. I spoke to him and he admitted everything and apologised for it all, in no way is he forgiven but its so comforting to know that it did happen. I spent a long time trying to figure out if it was real life, if I was actually that girl you read about in a trashy drama magazine. To know it was real and that he knew what he did to me, gives me so much closure.

My ex boyfriend used my family & I for emotional support and ‘having a family’. So basically, he got with me because I was his second option when his first option backfired and he saw the ‘perks’ of being with me, stuff he didn’t have. He didn’t have a family, he didn’t have money, he didn’t have a job and he wasn’t loved. Once he got these things outside my family, he got a job (one my mum got him), had money, his family life was getting better and he was involved with other women, he didn’t need me anymore so he walked away. He took advantage of my family & I’s kind and caring nature when he was at his lowest, and that I will never forgive him for.

It’s so common to be used, I don’t know if I can ever fully trust someone. These are only two different occasions of being used. Everyone needs to have an element of doubt for people’s intentions, you’ll never know if someone truly loves you. I’ve always been wary about saying ‘I love you’ to people, it’s thrown around so much that you can’t be sure when someone means it. It also shows a lot of vulnerability, it shows the person you ‘trust’ that they have the ability to hurt you, if they don’t know they have that ability then they are less likely to do it. I’ve been burned so much by people I ‘loved’, they’ve put me through hell. I will never put myself in that position again, I love myself and my well-being too much for that to happen. Everyone else should feel the same, the only person you can 100% trust is yourself.

In no way am I saying that only men use women because that’s certainly not the case, I was just speaking from my experiences with men, some guys get super funny at me for not mentioning this.

I’m aware that I said I wouldn’t be coming back to blogging but so many people asked me to carry on that I just couldn’t ignore them. Thank you for all the support I’ve received on my blog, its incredible.

Megs x

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What happened.

Lewis Evans; where do I start?

Before he & I were in a relationship, before we even saw each other on a romantic level, he was disgusting. He was rude, arrogant and outright nasty to me. I had a HUGE crush on him and he would lead me on and then drop me when it suited him. He loved the attention and loyalty I gave him but he never returned the favour.

Anyways, we then got into a relationship and it was great at first. Really good. Then I found out he was in a relationship with another girl when we were first together. Red flag. I forgave him.

The relationship progressed and we grew closer and he became a massive part of my family. He lived with us. This is because he had problems with his family at home, he didn’t want to go home to his dad so we let him practically move in with us. We treated him as if he was blood, which was a mistake. The amount my family did for him and gave him was crazy. They took him on massive days out, he spent Christmas with us, New Year’s, my parents literally treated him like a son. It was lovely. My mum even rewrote his CV and got him a well paid job.

But that’s when it started going down hill. He started to expect the stuff we did for him. He was lazy, didn’t help out at home, he could barely get out of bed in the morning for a breakfast I was cooking. I understand wanting a lay in on the weekend, but there’s a level of respect you have. 1pm is not a respectable time to get out of bed for breakfast. He knew he was lazy, he said it like it was a good thing. He was arrogant and just sat playing on his phone 90% of the time, even during conversations. He contributed nothing and expected everything, without any appreciation.

Now onto the subject of Iris; he was helpful at the start. I never expected him to be there for iris in the way he was and I appreciate what he did because he helped me fully recover after a traumatic labour. However as time progressed, he didn’t do anything and expected praise for it. I’m her mother so I do everything for her, I don’t expect anyone to help me but if you don’t help me, don’t expect me to say thank you. When I cooked him dinner, he used to call me to give iris a dummy when he had her and the dummy. YET still expected a “thank you so much for being there for her”. People saw him as an incredible man doing me a favour when he didn’t do me a favour, he added to my stress most of the time. Social media and photos can be deceiving. I will never get a boy involved with Iris again, not until I’ve been with him for a substantial amount of time. Major learning curve.

He never treated me like a girlfriend, never would hold my hand, wrap his arm around me or anything. All he ever did was rip the absolute shit out of me, which is fine to an extent. Calling me fat in front of all my friends is crossing the line. He made my friends uncomfortable, the way he spoke to me and the way he treated me. He used to tell me to go to the gym and start slimming world and ‘better’ myself. When I love me for who I am.

We had our fair share of arguments and ‘break ups’ (which lasted 5 seconds) but everything always sorted itself out in the end. He made me feel like I had mental health issues, he made me feel like I needed to seek help because the way I was acting wasn’t normal. Is it not normal to pull someone up on their shit? But it was never over the top or excessive.

It became a toxic relationship. We never went out because he didn’t want to, we ended up being the old married couple that stayed in all the time.

Since we split, I found out that he had been cheating on me. He continues to deny it but the amount of people that have told me something’s been going on with him & someone else, is too much to ignore. His shift at work ended at 9, and he’d ‘stay for a pint’ and come home to me for 12. None of it ever made sense until someone told me something that made everything add up.

I’m not saying I was an angel. Not in any way. And I’m not say he was the devil, because he wasn’t.

I pulled him out of a difficult situation, I supported him, helped him, I was loyal even when times got tough because I loved him with all my heart. I did what any loving girlfriend would do.

What he did to me was wrong. Towards the end he treated me awfully and because of this I got upset and angry fairly often, understandable right? No. Because of my ‘unreasonable outbursts’ that’s why we split. Not because of his vile behaviour, but because of me getting upset with it.

Lewis Evans was a nice person and a good friend to me. Unfortunately I shouldn’t have made the mistake of taking the friend stage further because we continued being friends, friends that kissed every so often.

This post isn’t to slag him off, it’s to get people to stop messaging me and asking what’s happened.

I’ve been getting at least 10-15 messages a day asking what’s happened because our relationship was so public.

If you have any more questions please keep them to yourself, I don’t want to know anymore. I’ve moved on completely now, I thought it would be worse. It’s been pretty easy, sadly. Considering this was a relationship I gave everything to and it’s ended so disappointingly.

I’ve learnt my lesson, don’t take boys out of the friend zone, don’t let boys get involved with your child too quickly and don’t ever let boys walk over you.

And lastly, don’t go for boys, go for men😂

I loved Lewis, there’s no denying that. I loved him with all my heart, whether that was as a friend or boyfriend, I’m unsure. I’m struggling to figure out if I loved him or his company, if I’m grieving over him or his company. It sounds so horrible but I think I got used to having his company, I fell out of love with him during the relationship. I’m not saying that to be the bitter ex, I’m saying that because after two weeks of being split, I don’t feel a thing. I’m not sad, upset, angry or anything. I was sad a couple days after but that’s it. That makes me think I just loved his company.

If you even have one doubt about a man, trust your gut. That shit is not meant to be.

Lewis won’t be seeing Iris. He has no rights to her and he didn’t play a fatherly role. She has a father. He was my boyfriend that played with her every so often so why should he see her? He walked out my house with all his stuff one day and didn’t give me or her a second thought.

I won’t be bringing my blog back to life. I don’t know if I ever will, maybe one day. I just wanted to address this and I knew this would be the most effective way of doing so.

A quick thanks to all my friends who have stuck by me and got me out of the rut of no self confidence I was in. I appreciate & love you lot so much.

Megs x

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#MeToo

If you’re familiar with my blog then you’ll know the ‘My Story’ section of my blog. If you don’t know this, you should read it to get a better idea of what I’m talking about.

The ‘Me Too’ movement is a movement against sexual harassment and assault. It began to spread virally in October 2017 with the hashtag on social media. The goal was to raise awareness about the amount of victims of sexual assault and harassment. To begin with, it was just in the workplace and now it’s become widespread into all areas of sexual abuse. Tens of thousands of people, including over 100 celebrities used the hashtag when posting their story of sexual assault.

The movement is very close to my heart being a victim of sexual assault/rape. The movement continues to grow every single day, due to the people coming forward about their experiences and the people supporting survivors.

#MeToo helps educate the ignorant people avoiding coming to terms with the fact people actually experience this. I hate to say it, but it’s mostly ignorant men who are like this. Before I get attacked; I am NOT saying men don’t get sexually assaulted or raped because they do, the men that don’t experience this are usually the ones that ignore it. ((((NOT ALL MEN ARE LIKE THIS))))

Currently the sexual education curriculum does not contain sexual assault or harassment. It is not compulsory to teach, it is up to the school to do this. My school did but after it had happened to me, once they were informed the next PSHE lesson was on consent. It’s incredible that they did this but I believe it needs to be compulsory and taught from a younger age so someone like me doesn’t question whether they gave consent or not.

Regardless of where you stand, this is an important topic that NEEDS more attention. We need to talk about men being survivors as much as we do women, we need to talk about child grooming, sex abuse and trauma. #MeToo is a movement for everyone, not just the ‘typical rape victim’.

Feel free to message me if you need someone to chat to, I will be there listening & I will give you advice. I promise you’re not alone.

Megs x

#MeToo

@meganappsx – my Instagram

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I had an abortion. *TRIGGER WARNING*

If you’ve read the ‘My Story’ section of my blog then you’re likely to know what I’m about to speak about.

Abortion. Such a taboo subject, but something that definitely needs to be spoken about more. Abortion is the deliberate termination of a human pregnancy. It’s not the easiest topic to discuss as so many people have controversial views on it, not even mentioning the laws in different countries on abortion. There’s different ways to get a medical abortion, vacuum, operation or pills. Some women have preformed illegal abortions on themselves too.

So I had an abortion. Definitely the hardest decision I have ever made and the worst thing I have ever been through. I was only 15 so making such a big decision at such a young age, no matter what the outcome, would affect me for life, which it certainly has. However, I stand by my decision as it what was best for me at the time. I don’t have to justify myself to anyone, it’s my uterus so it’s my business. I’m here just to raise awareness.

It was a very traumatic experience, I won’t go into detail, but after the termination you have a long period of bleeding (not your cycle). So straight after I had the termination, I went into therapy, which was brutal.

I’m fully aware that people have opinions which go against abortion, some religions, cultures and just an individual’s view. This is called ‘pro-life’ when you don’t particularly care for the mother, what they’ve been through or their medical situation, they believe the baby should be born, even if it could kill the mother or baby. ‘Pro-choice’ means you don’t care what other women do with their body, even if that person couldn’t bring themselves to get an abortion, they still believe women have a right to control their own body.

There’s one thing I’d like to address quickly. People say abortion is ‘murder’. Murder is the unlawful killing of a reasonable creature in being (legal definition) 1- You are not killing as an abortion isn’t unlawful 2- A foetus isn’t a reasonable creature in being, it becomes a human after its first breath.

ABORTION IS NOT MURDER.

So many women have abortions, Chelsea Handler, Sharon Osborne and Whoopi Goldberg have all spoken out about their abortions. Marilyn Monroe supposedly had 12 abortions before the age of 29 and another 15 days before she died.

If you don’t have a uterus, your opinion does not matter as you will not be the one to experience the trauma that comes with an abortion. If you are a man, you do not have the right to push a woman into an abortion, it is her body, it is her decision, whether it’s your child or not.

If you have any questions on this topic, feel free to ask me on Instagram, I’ll be posting a question story for those who do. It’ll remain anonymous. I’m more than happy to answer questions on the abortion I had or abortions as a whole.

@meganappsx – My Instagram

Megs Xx

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Mother to mother, mom to mum

Different countries, different ages, same feelings, same facts.

Both being mothers & having had our 1st children at a younger age we thought it would be interesting to see how we compare and identify with one another. We found we had way more in common that we had different. When we as women learn to listen we will find as women and as mothers a shared commonality that helps us help each other grow. Let us know who you are, how you liked this and please share with others. Peace and blessings to each of you that read this!

The Introductions:

My name is Millie, I live in the US, am 34, married now with 4 wonderful sons. I had my 1st child at 19 and can still remember the inadequacies I felt and the adjustment into motherhood. It is so interesting to speak with another mother and get to share that with our readers!

**picture by Veronica Angel Designs; www.facebook.com/veronicaangeldesigns **

My name is Megan. I am from England and I’m 18. I have one beautiful 9 month old daughter. I was 16 when I got pregnant and had her at the age of 17. It’s been so difficult being a mummy so young but I’m loving every second of it.

The Interview:

1. Did you enjoy actual pregnancy? If yes what was your favorite part? If no, why not?

Millie: I was pregnant with my 1st son at 18 and I mostly enjoyed pregnancy. I think it was being young and energetic and fun! Everything was new and fun with my 1st son.

Megan: Unfortunately, I didn’t enjoy my pregnancy. I had hyperemesis gravidarum so I was extremely sick all the time and in hospital because of dehydration and malnutrition. Once I got to 34 weeks pregnant and was on 3 types of anti-sickness medication 3 times a day, I finally began enjoying it.

**Hyperemesis gravidarum is basically extreme sickness during pregnancy. Reasons for it aren’t clear just yet but there are 2 theories. First one being, a maternal liver disease. The second one being, our bodies aren’t use to the change, automatically thinking its a foreign object in the body and the constant throwing up as a way of trying to get it out. Let us know in the comments if you have had this.**

2. Did you have any challenges during childbirth? What was your biggest memory from that experience?

Millie: With my 1st son I was in labor 19 hours when our heartbeats started to drop rapidly, I was not dilating and they made a decision to give me a C-Section. I remember being devastated and so scared! I had never had a major surgery before. I tried very hard to act like I was okay, but I had tears running down my face as they wheeled me into the operating room. I think the hardest part was feeling somehow like there was something wrong with me because I could not deliver naturally, but I came to peace with that later on (many years later I want to add).

Megan: That sounds horrible, Millie. I bet it was all worth it in the end! The challenges I experienced were nothing in comparison to Millie’s. I went into back labour so that made it harder than normal. My blood pressure went up so high that the doctors and midwives were scared I was going to have a heart attack so I had blood pressure medication. My contractions stopped so I was put on a hormone drip. After 12 hours of labour, I started pushing and the midwife decided to do a double episiotomy. **An episiotomy is a surgical cut made in the perineum during childbirth** I had two of these. So, I was essentially cut from one hole to the other. After the labour I had to have a blood transfusion as I was so anemic that I couldn’t walk unaided.

Millie: Wow Megan! That sounds so scary, especially for being 17! Who was with you during this? Did you have support in the hospital and afterwards?

Megan: Iris’ father was with me during contractions, alongside my parents. I had my mum and dad in the room with me when she arrived. I was also in hospital for 3 days and they were both tied to my hip! I had loads of support.

3. What was one of the 1st biggest changes when you came home as a new mother?

Millie:No sleep! Really I think the biggest thing was just not being able to do things whenever I would want to, like nap or go out with friend. It was such an adjustment being responsible for this other life, knowing that I had to put him 1st. I couldn’t go to every party or to a movie or even for a walk with the girls as easily. There is some sacrifice becoming a mother, whether we always want to agree on that or not, well at least in my opinion. Young mothers, especially in our teens, when we are supposed to be the most selfish and learning who we are, have to put a lot of that to the side in order to care for our children. I know for me it was more than an adjustment, but it took time for me to learn who I was and I felt like I was always behind the curve compared to my friends.

Megan: My answer is similar to Millie’s. Although I did get a lot of sleep, I never was able to go out with friends. A typical teenager was able to go out to the cinema, bowling, to their friends house and even out drinking. Selfishly, it was horrible. I hated seeing my friends do what I couldn’t do. I hated not being able to be a normal teenager. However, I accepted the negatives once I became pregnant. Even though I still find it difficult now, I’ve accepted that I gave up my teenage years to grow up alongside my daughter and I really do love it.

4. What are some challenges you feel you face as a young mom?

Millie: I think I touched on this in number 3., but a big part is giving up the time we are supposed to be learning ourselves to care for our children. It takes time for anyone to find balance with motherhood and independence of who we are, but for young moms we can face even more setbacks.

I also remember feeling inadequate or not like a real mom around the “normal age mothers”, like they looked at me differently. I didn’t fit in with my friends who still “had lives” and I didn’t fit in with other moms because they saw me still “as a kid”. I felt like it took me longer to find my place. Megs, did you ever feel like this?

Megan: Yeah, I feel exactly the same currently. My friends aren’t mothers so they obviously don’t have the same responsibilities as me which makes it difficult to relate to them. Other mums, who are older, see me as a child. I get funny looks in public and awkward conversations occur when someone asks me my age. The ‘you’re not old enough to be a mum’, is probably the hardest part. My age has nothing to do with how I will be as a mother but annoyingly, others see it very differently.

I’m unsure as to whether Millie experienced this or not but I lost many friends during the pregnancy. People never really bothered with me as I couldn’t drink or go out. That is one of the things that affected me most. Apart from the wonderful being in my tummy, I felt very alone during my pregnancy.

Millie: I did experience that! I mean people got tired of me cancelling that they just stopped inviting me. I felt very alone even though I had this amazing child. I lost a lot of friends, but I eventually gained new ones. I can also fully relate to the awful comments from older women. I understand that we are not the norm, but we as women need to be more careful of what we say to each other. There were very few women building me up then. I am obviously not a teen anymore, but I am always respectful of any mother, any age, because I know how words can hurt. That was a hard time for me, an adjustment period, but I found support in other younger mothers through activities which helped me form a new circle of friends.

Megan: Exactly. I am always respectful to other mothers as we are all essentially experience the same thing, just with different twists and turns. Women should build women up and it’s so horrible hearing that at the time you didn’t receive that, Millie.

5. What is one suggestion or piece of encouragement you would want to give mothers of any age?

Millie: It gets better. Time takes time. Just because you become a mother does not mean that you will automatically have the house, the career, the car, the husband. As a young mom I always felt like I fell short of these ideals I built up in my own mind of how our life should look, the life my son deserved and everyday we didn’t have those things somehow meant I was not giving my son a good quality of living. That is wrong. I may not have had everything in the order I was brought up to think we needed them, but I love my son and I did my best everytime. It didn’t happen overnight, but today that child is an amazing 15 year old soon to be man, we have all those things I thought I would never have because little by slowly we earned them. Breathe easy mothers! It gets better. It really does.

Megan: I completely agree with Millie. Things will not always happen in the ‘ideal order’. Things take time, you must have patience. I’m still waiting for ‘the house, the career, the car, the husband’. I have none of those things. I’m just focusing on my daughter and waiting for those things to come along at a later date.

Being a mummy is the hardest thing in the world, not everyone will agree with you on how you bring your child up. You’ll get advice from here, there and everywhere but do what is best for you and your little one. A mummy’s instinct is usually the right answer.

For more about Millie:

www.livingnowlifecom.blog

www.facebook.com/knowwhereyourfeetare

www.instagram.com/billandmillie

www.twitter.com/billandmilliea

www.pinterest.com/billandmillie

For more about Megan:

Www.meganappsx.wordpress.com

Www.instagram.com/meganappsx

Www.twitter.com/meganappsblogsx

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Anti-bullying Policies

I’m pretty sure the majority of us will have been to secondary school so saying that, you will be aware of what bullying is. All schools must have an anti-bullying policy in place. The use of this is to stop or prevent bullying in order to give students a safe environment to develop, intellectually and emotionally. The policies have the discipline procedure. Although the schools claim to use it, I have to completely disagree that they do.

I went to a school which was seen as one of the stricter ones. It’s was ‘one of the best in the area’. Disagree, again. I was bullied & harassed, followed round the school,private information written on walls and threatened on countless occasions. The girls who did this were put in lunch detention a couple of times but continued to do it. The school thought they couldn’t do any more than what they were…exclusion, isolation? My parents came into the school multiple times to sort it out. I ended up going on early study leave because the staff wouldn’t do anything to help. Turns out that to exclude someone, it costs the school money! The bullying affected my mental health massively, which I will never forgive the school for. So that’s my experience with an ‘anti-bullying’ school. I know that experiences like mine aren’t uncommon, unfortunately.

What I don’t seem to understand is; there are so many cases of suicide due to bullying within a school but schools claim they’re ‘knuckling down on bullying’. Bullying is at an all time high and nothing is physically being done. Punish the children or teach them not to bully before it even begins. What is being told in assemblies and lessons isn’t enough. “Don’t bully.” Show the children the affects of bullying, tell them why they shouldn’t be like that, tell them to look out for one another. Do not just say ‘no bullying’. They need to know people die because of it.

Bullying is one of the most dangerous things that goes on in todays society. The majority of the bullying is within a school and it makes me angry that schools don’t seem to understand this. I know it isn’t the easiest thing to tackle but they certainly need to start taking some steps forward.

Megs x