heart break

So you’ve just had your heart broken, or the person you love doesn’t love you back.. please don’t lose yourself. I am victim of this. When I get hurt, no matter how big or small, I go into total meltdown. I feel not good enough, unwanted, psycho, clingy, all of it.

My heart aches. The person I wanted since the day I met him, after almost a month, has decided I’m not for him. That he’s not ready to make something of us. I bunked college, I spent money putting Iris in nursery, I put time and effort into building something with him. For him to imply my good parts didn’t outweigh my bad. How that fucking kills. After many messages, many paragraphs, after a chat and a cuddle, today I managed to say goodbye and block him. Oh fuck how I wish it didn’t come to this, how I wish he had wanted me, how I wish he had try to make it work. But now he’s made it clear, I need to make sure I don’t lose myself because of this. He was just one of the many heartbreaks I’ll have until I meet someone who wants me whole, the good and bad parts. I was enough. He just couldn’t see it. Even now, if he had messaged me trying to sort it, I’d go back. That’s just who I am. I’m a broken, insecure mess. But he doesn’t want or need me, so it’s time I move on. It wasn’t a relationship and it wasn’t for very long, but part of me thinks the period of time doesn’t matter.. it’s what the person makes you feel within that period. He made me feel more in these few weeks, than my ex made me feel in over a year, that’s why this hurts so bad. He made me feel amazing, loved, wanted, beautiful and he will be an amazing boyfriend to someone one day, I just wished that someone would’ve been me, but I’m not the one for him.. even though he was the one for me.

It’s time I stop thinking about him now. It’s time I moved on and thought about myself. If you’re going through a heart break now, I promise it will get easier. It doesn’t feel like it ever will, that horrible feeling you have in your tummy right now, I have that too, but it will go. Time heals. Give yourself some space, some crying time and cut yourself some slack. Heart break does crazy things to people, so what you’re feeling isn’t irrational. I promise as the days pass, you’ll begin to feel better. You are loved, wanted and cherished… by the right person.

Megs x

blog, My Story


I just wanted to show you all something I wrote a couple of months ago. I never posted it because it was while I was in my bad spot. I’ve had a think about it and realised it was so important you all read this. This is the emotion, the pain of having your heart broken, in the worst way possible, by your ‘best friend’. I recorded myself talking and typed out exactly what I said, almost word for word.

Im a strong girl but no matter how strong you are, these moments will happen. You will never truly get over what happened to you, it’s about learning to cope with it.

“It’s been 3 years since it happened. I’ve got a beautiful baby girl and I’m becoming successful within my education but this is still in my head, I can’t seem to get rid of it. Tonight I find myself struggling, struggling to sleep, struggling to shut off my thoughts, struggling to stop these horrible feelings. I’ve been doing better recently. I’ve only been struggling to sleep these past few months. Partly because I can’t turn off and partly because I’m scared to sleep with the awful nightmares that I’ve been having. I made a mistake and spoke to him recently. I thought that because he was the one who broke me, he could help me fix myself. Unfortunately it didn’t work like that. It reminded me of who he is and what he’s like. He again tried to manipulate me, even in the one conversation we had. ‘Try not to fall for me’ he also kept trying to get me to remember ‘old times’ by bringing up memories. To him they were good memories, to me they were horrific. He was a predator and I was his victim but I guess he never saw it that way. Why should I let this continue to haunt me? Why should I allow him to get into my head and impact my daily routine? He’s a sick individual that tore my world in half, why should I give him the satisfaction of knowing that he’s still in my head three years later. I won’t let him do this to me anymore. I blocked out the anger I have towards him and tried to forgive him but I can’t do that. “

(After talking about the context I got emotional and began to cry) “He didn’t just rape me, he punched a hole through my chest and pulled out what was left of my soul. He loved me. He cared about me. He would never have hurt me. But he fucking did. He took a part of me that will never come back, my innocence, my trust, my body. He took it all. But he fucking loved me. I can’t breathe, he loved me. He loved me. He loved my long hair. He loved my glasses, my eyes. He loved when I sang but hated my music taste. Why did he do this to me? He was my future.”

Towards the end you can see how the sweet nothings he told me, the manipulation, comes crawling back. All of that time and effort he put into getting sex from an underage school girl. I get myself into this state when I listen to songs which reminds me of everything. I can’t listen to Misadventures by Pierce the Veil for this exact reason. The album came out when everything was going on, so I can’t listen to it without thinking about him. I can’t go to certain areas of the county I live in, where the assault happened. One certain aftershave he wore, I can’t stand to smell. I can’t eat walkers crisps because every time he came to mine, he would bring them. All of these tiny, silly things end up being the big things; the massive things. You’ll be okay, I promise.

Remember that the person that did this to you is broken, not you.

I love you. Megs x


Coping with trauma

Most people have experienced something traumatic, and no matter the scale of the experience it causes a vast amount of trauma. Trauma changes someone, permanently or temporarily, for the best or for the worst. Whatever the experience did to you – you need a coping mechanism… a good one.

Drugs or alcohol is the usual coping mechanism. After my insanely traumatic year; alcohol was definitely my coping mechanism. I went to parties left, right & centre just to drink. I did other stuff which isn’t worth mentioning. Let’s just say I became a very self-destructive person. I then ended up pregnant so I needed out of that hole, quickly. If I hadn’t of become pregnant I definitely would’ve ended up worse, maybe even dead. So when I say Iris saved my life, don’t take that lightly, she really did.

Once I got my shit together and realised my self-destructive tendencies would not help the way my mental state reacted to my trauma, I started figuring out how I could cope with my trauma in a calmer, positive way. I had a therapist through the time I was pregnant but it never really helped. It’s hard talking to someone that can only be professional with you, it’s difficult to be honest about your feelings, it’s difficult to explain how you feel to someone that can’t understand it, hopefully never will. Thats when this blog came into action. I had Iris and decided this is what I needed to do to get it all out my head, I had very successful results. Typing it all out made it feel less like a dream, I felt like I was talking to someone who would understand and I also managed to help people. How could that be anything but successful?

Theres many ways of coping with trauma, and each different experience will probably need a different coping mechanism. Music, therapy, finding a passion in something, blogging your feelings out. Whatever you choose, don’t let it be destructive. Destructive mechanisms will only be a temporary fix and you’ll hurt yourself or others in your path. You need a mechanism that will benefit you in the long run.

Good things come from bad experiences. I hate what happened to me but I can take a positive outcome from it, which is what everyone needs to do, no matter the trauma.

I just want to say, thank you so much for all the positive messages about restarting my blog again. Im going to do a few odd posts, they won’t be regular as of yet. I love that you guys feel comfortable messaging me about your experiences and asking me for help finding the right therapy platform. You know you can message me about anything and I’ll be an ear to listen. Be the person you needed back then.

megs x


Being used.

Throughout my short amount of 18 years of life, I have been used by various men in various different ways… sex, money, support. I am yet to be in a relationship/friendship that has equal give and take. I love too big and give too much so I have always been subject to disappointment. I know too many men and women that can relate to my experiences of being used, which is sad.

For a long period of time a 20 year old man made me, a vulnerable 14 year old girl, feel special, happy and loved.I was being groomed. It took me a while to realise. I knew what he did to me was wrong but it took a while to come to terms with the fact I wasn’t actually loved or special. Even now, its crazy to me. He was a huge part of my life for 4 years so trying to comprehend what his legitimate intentions were is still difficult, as its still so fresh and I haven’t fully mentally matured yet. I wasn’t the girl he loved, I was his go-to girl for sex at only 15 years old, whilst he was 20. I spoke to him and he admitted everything and apologised for it all, in no way is he forgiven but its so comforting to know that it did happen. I spent a long time trying to figure out if it was real life, if I was actually that girl you read about in a trashy drama magazine. To know it was real and that he knew what he did to me, gives me so much closure.

My ex boyfriend used my family & I for emotional support and ‘having a family’. So basically, he got with me because I was his second option when his first option backfired and he saw the ‘perks’ of being with me, stuff he didn’t have. He didn’t have a family, he didn’t have money, he didn’t have a job and he wasn’t loved. Once he got these things outside my family, he got a job (one my mum got him), had money, his family life was getting better and he was involved with other women, he didn’t need me anymore so he walked away. He took advantage of my family & I’s kind and caring nature when he was at his lowest, and that I will never forgive him for.

It’s so common to be used, I don’t know if I can ever fully trust someone. These are only two different occasions of being used. Everyone needs to have an element of doubt for people’s intentions, you’ll never know if someone truly loves you. I’ve always been wary about saying ‘I love you’ to people, it’s thrown around so much that you can’t be sure when someone means it. It also shows a lot of vulnerability, it shows the person you ‘trust’ that they have the ability to hurt you, if they don’t know they have that ability then they are less likely to do it. I’ve been burned so much by people I ‘loved’, they’ve put me through hell. I will never put myself in that position again, I love myself and my well-being too much for that to happen. Everyone else should feel the same, the only person you can 100% trust is yourself.

In no way am I saying that only men use women because that’s certainly not the case, I was just speaking from my experiences with men, some guys get super funny at me for not mentioning this.

I’m aware that I said I wouldn’t be coming back to blogging but so many people asked me to carry on that I just couldn’t ignore them. Thank you for all the support I’ve received on my blog, its incredible.

Megs x


What happened.

Lewis Evans; where do I start?

Before he & I were in a relationship, before we even saw each other on a romantic level, he was disgusting. He was rude, arrogant and outright nasty to me. I had a HUGE crush on him and he would lead me on and then drop me when it suited him. He loved the attention and loyalty I gave him but he never returned the favour.

Anyways, we then got into a relationship and it was great at first. Really good. Then I found out he was in a relationship with another girl when we were first together. Red flag. I forgave him.

The relationship progressed and we grew closer and he became a massive part of my family. He lived with us. This is because he had problems with his family at home, he didn’t want to go home to his dad so we let him practically move in with us. We treated him as if he was blood, which was a mistake. The amount my family did for him and gave him was crazy. They took him on massive days out, he spent Christmas with us, New Year’s, my parents literally treated him like a son. It was lovely. My mum even rewrote his CV and got him a well paid job.

But that’s when it started going down hill. He started to expect the stuff we did for him. He was lazy, didn’t help out at home, he could barely get out of bed in the morning for a breakfast I was cooking. I understand wanting a lay in on the weekend, but there’s a level of respect you have. 1pm is not a respectable time to get out of bed for breakfast. He knew he was lazy, he said it like it was a good thing. He was arrogant and just sat playing on his phone 90% of the time, even during conversations. He contributed nothing and expected everything, without any appreciation.

Now onto the subject of Iris; he was helpful at the start. I never expected him to be there for iris in the way he was and I appreciate what he did because he helped me fully recover after a traumatic labour. However as time progressed, he didn’t do anything and expected praise for it. I’m her mother so I do everything for her, I don’t expect anyone to help me but if you don’t help me, don’t expect me to say thank you. When I cooked him dinner, he used to call me to give iris a dummy when he had her and the dummy. YET still expected a “thank you so much for being there for her”. People saw him as an incredible man doing me a favour when he didn’t do me a favour, he added to my stress most of the time. Social media and photos can be deceiving. I will never get a boy involved with Iris again, not until I’ve been with him for a substantial amount of time. Major learning curve.

He never treated me like a girlfriend, never would hold my hand, wrap his arm around me or anything. All he ever did was rip the absolute shit out of me, which is fine to an extent. Calling me fat in front of all my friends is crossing the line. He made my friends uncomfortable, the way he spoke to me and the way he treated me. He used to tell me to go to the gym and start slimming world and ‘better’ myself. When I love me for who I am.

We had our fair share of arguments and ‘break ups’ (which lasted 5 seconds) but everything always sorted itself out in the end. He made me feel like I had mental health issues, he made me feel like I needed to seek help because the way I was acting wasn’t normal. Is it not normal to pull someone up on their shit? But it was never over the top or excessive.

It became a toxic relationship. We never went out because he didn’t want to, we ended up being the old married couple that stayed in all the time.

Since we split, I found out that he had been cheating on me. He continues to deny it but the amount of people that have told me something’s been going on with him & someone else, is too much to ignore. His shift at work ended at 9, and he’d ‘stay for a pint’ and come home to me for 12. None of it ever made sense until someone told me something that made everything add up.

I’m not saying I was an angel. Not in any way. And I’m not say he was the devil, because he wasn’t.

I pulled him out of a difficult situation, I supported him, helped him, I was loyal even when times got tough because I loved him with all my heart. I did what any loving girlfriend would do.

What he did to me was wrong. Towards the end he treated me awfully and because of this I got upset and angry fairly often, understandable right? No. Because of my ‘unreasonable outbursts’ that’s why we split. Not because of his vile behaviour, but because of me getting upset with it.

Lewis Evans was a nice person and a good friend to me. Unfortunately I shouldn’t have made the mistake of taking the friend stage further because we continued being friends, friends that kissed every so often.

This post isn’t to slag him off, it’s to get people to stop messaging me and asking what’s happened.

I’ve been getting at least 10-15 messages a day asking what’s happened because our relationship was so public.

If you have any more questions please keep them to yourself, I don’t want to know anymore. I’ve moved on completely now, I thought it would be worse. It’s been pretty easy, sadly. Considering this was a relationship I gave everything to and it’s ended so disappointingly.

I’ve learnt my lesson, don’t take boys out of the friend zone, don’t let boys get involved with your child too quickly and don’t ever let boys walk over you.

And lastly, don’t go for boys, go for men😂

I loved Lewis, there’s no denying that. I loved him with all my heart, whether that was as a friend or boyfriend, I’m unsure. I’m struggling to figure out if I loved him or his company, if I’m grieving over him or his company. It sounds so horrible but I think I got used to having his company, I fell out of love with him during the relationship. I’m not saying that to be the bitter ex, I’m saying that because after two weeks of being split, I don’t feel a thing. I’m not sad, upset, angry or anything. I was sad a couple days after but that’s it. That makes me think I just loved his company.

If you even have one doubt about a man, trust your gut. That shit is not meant to be.

Lewis won’t be seeing Iris. He has no rights to her and he didn’t play a fatherly role. She has a father. He was my boyfriend that played with her every so often so why should he see her? He walked out my house with all his stuff one day and didn’t give me or her a second thought.

I won’t be bringing my blog back to life. I don’t know if I ever will, maybe one day. I just wanted to address this and I knew this would be the most effective way of doing so.

A quick thanks to all my friends who have stuck by me and got me out of the rut of no self confidence I was in. I appreciate & love you lot so much.

Megs x



If you’re familiar with my blog then you’ll know the ‘My Story’ section of my blog. If you don’t know this, you should read it to get a better idea of what I’m talking about.

The ‘Me Too’ movement is a movement against sexual harassment and assault. It began to spread virally in October 2017 with the hashtag on social media. The goal was to raise awareness about the amount of victims of sexual assault and harassment. To begin with, it was just in the workplace and now it’s become widespread into all areas of sexual abuse. Tens of thousands of people, including over 100 celebrities used the hashtag when posting their story of sexual assault.

The movement is very close to my heart being a victim of sexual assault/rape. The movement continues to grow every single day, due to the people coming forward about their experiences and the people supporting survivors.

#MeToo helps educate the ignorant people avoiding coming to terms with the fact people actually experience this. I hate to say it, but it’s mostly ignorant men who are like this. Before I get attacked; I am NOT saying men don’t get sexually assaulted or raped because they do, the men that don’t experience this are usually the ones that ignore it. ((((NOT ALL MEN ARE LIKE THIS))))

Currently the sexual education curriculum does not contain sexual assault or harassment. It is not compulsory to teach, it is up to the school to do this. My school did but after it had happened to me, once they were informed the next PSHE lesson was on consent. It’s incredible that they did this but I believe it needs to be compulsory and taught from a younger age so someone like me doesn’t question whether they gave consent or not.

Regardless of where you stand, this is an important topic that NEEDS more attention. We need to talk about men being survivors as much as we do women, we need to talk about child grooming, sex abuse and trauma. #MeToo is a movement for everyone, not just the ‘typical rape victim’.

Feel free to message me if you need someone to chat to, I will be there listening & I will give you advice. I promise you’re not alone.

Megs x


@meganappsx – my Instagram


I had an abortion. *TRIGGER WARNING*

If you’ve read the ‘My Story’ section of my blog then you’re likely to know what I’m about to speak about.

Abortion. Such a taboo subject, but something that definitely needs to be spoken about more. Abortion is the deliberate termination of a human pregnancy. It’s not the easiest topic to discuss as so many people have controversial views on it, not even mentioning the laws in different countries on abortion. There’s different ways to get a medical abortion, vacuum, operation or pills. Some women have preformed illegal abortions on themselves too.

So I had an abortion. Definitely the hardest decision I have ever made and the worst thing I have ever been through. I was only 15 so making such a big decision at such a young age, no matter what the outcome, would affect me for life, which it certainly has. However, I stand by my decision as it what was best for me at the time. I don’t have to justify myself to anyone, it’s my uterus so it’s my business. I’m here just to raise awareness.

It was a very traumatic experience, I won’t go into detail, but after the termination you have a long period of bleeding (not your cycle). So straight after I had the termination, I went into therapy, which was brutal.

I’m fully aware that people have opinions which go against abortion, some religions, cultures and just an individual’s view. This is called ‘pro-life’ when you don’t particularly care for the mother, what they’ve been through or their medical situation, they believe the baby should be born, even if it could kill the mother or baby. ‘Pro-choice’ means you don’t care what other women do with their body, even if that person couldn’t bring themselves to get an abortion, they still believe women have a right to control their own body.

There’s one thing I’d like to address quickly. People say abortion is ‘murder’. Murder is the unlawful killing of a reasonable creature in being (legal definition) 1- You are not killing as an abortion isn’t unlawful 2- A foetus isn’t a reasonable creature in being, it becomes a human after its first breath.


So many women have abortions, Chelsea Handler, Sharon Osborne and Whoopi Goldberg have all spoken out about their abortions. Marilyn Monroe supposedly had 12 abortions before the age of 29 and another 15 days before she died.

If you don’t have a uterus, your opinion does not matter as you will not be the one to experience the trauma that comes with an abortion. If you are a man, you do not have the right to push a woman into an abortion, it is her body, it is her decision, whether it’s your child or not.

If you have any questions on this topic, feel free to ask me on Instagram, I’ll be posting a question story for those who do. It’ll remain anonymous. I’m more than happy to answer questions on the abortion I had or abortions as a whole.

@meganappsx – My Instagram

Megs Xx